IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #time #activities #children #parents
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SOME INDIVIDUALS CONTEMPLATE THAT SOME FREE ACTIVITIES SHOULD BE ORGANIZED BY
PARENTS
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,
WHILE
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 OTHERS ARGUE THAT
CHILDREN
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 SHOULD BE FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY WANT TO DO IN THEIR FREE TIME. IN MY OPINION, IT IS CRUCIAL THAT
CHILDREN
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 SHOULD DECIDE WHATEVER THEY DESIRE TO DO IN THEIR FREE TIME,
HOWEVER
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,
PARENTS
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' VIEWS ARE
ALSO
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 IMPORTANT AND OUGHT TO GIVE SOME PIECES OF
ADVICE
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 TO
CHILDREN
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.
TO BEGIN
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 WITH, DECIDING THEIR OWN CHOICES IS VITAL FOR IMPROVEMENTS OF
CHILDREN
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 WHICH THEY GET RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OPTIONS.
THAT IS
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DUE TO
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 THE FACT THAT GETTING RESPONSIBILITIES
AN
Change preposition
AT AN
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 EARLY AGE MAKE
CHILDREN
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 MORE MATURE AND CREATES STRONG AND HEALTHY DECISIONS AND MINDSETS.
ACCORDING TO
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 THE SURVEY IN MOST COUNTRIES,
PARENTS
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 WHO DO NOT DECIDE
INSTEAD
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 OF THEIR
CHILDREN
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 MAKE MORE SUCCESSFUL AND JUDICIOUS
CHILDREN
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 IN THE FUTURE. BEYOND THESE BENEFITS,
CHILDREN
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 WHO PREFER TO CHOOSE THEIR OWN
THINKINGS
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THINKING
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 MAKE THEM MORE STRONG IN
ABSENCE
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THE ABSENCE
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 OF THEIR
PARENTS
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. IN SHORT, LETTING FREE
CHILDREN
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TO
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apply
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CHOOSE THEIR OWN DECISIONS MAKES MORE BRIGHT FUTURES AND UNBREAKABLE PEOPLE. REGARDING THE
PARENTS
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' EFFECTS ON
CHILDREN
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 ARE UNDENIABLE.
THAT IS
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 BECAUSE SOMETIMES,
CHILDREN
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 CANNOT THINK HEALTHY AND IN THAT PERIOD,
PARENTS
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 SHOULD SUPPORT THEM BY GIVING SOME PIECES OF
ADVICE
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.
FOR INSTANCE
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, AS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE, THERE ARE SEVERAL MOMENTS THAT
CHILDREN
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 AND EVEN ADULTS CANNOT MAKE FAVOURABLE DECISIONS AND THEY DESIRE THEIR
PARENTS
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 TO RECOMMEND SOME BENEFICIAL ACTS FOR THEIR
BENEFITS
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BENEFIT
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.
ALTHOUGH
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IT IS CLEAR THAT
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 DETERMINING THEIR
LAST
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 ALTERNATIVE BY THEMSELVES CAN HAVE MORE EFFECTS,
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ADVICE
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THE ADVICE
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 OF
PARENTS
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 ARE
ALSO
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 VALUABLE IN SOME MOMENTS. IN SUM,
CHILDREN
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 SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO DO UNDESIRED ACTIVITIES;
HOWEVER
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, GETTING
ADVICE
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 FROM
PARENTS
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 CAN
ALSO
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 BE BETTER CHOICE FOR THEM.
Submitted by asgerlituran35 on

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coherence cohesion
Use a diversity of connective devices to link ideas more effectively. While your essay shows an attempt at logical ordering, increasing the range of linking words beyond simple connectors like 'however' and 'for instance' will strengthen your argument flow.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to vary sentence structure throughout your essay to maintain reader interest and demonstrate linguistic range. Repetitive sentence beginnings or patterns may lead to a less engaging reading experience.
task achievement
Clearly address the task by discussing both views as well as providing a personal opinion, which you've done. Enhance task achievement by incorporating more specific examples and evidence to back up your claims. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or more detailed scenarios to illustrate your points more vividly.
general
Avoid using all caps in your writing as it is seen as shouting online. Instead, focus on proper punctuation and capitalization to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing style.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
What to do next:
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