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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become disciplined. Others argue that teenagers should not sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discusee both views and give your opinion.

#people #teenagers #work #money #lessons #sacrifice #rest #activities #discusee
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It is argued that
teenagers
 should
work
 beside their
studies
, Other believe that they should rest after
school
 activities.
This
 essay will examine both points of view and argue which one is the best. On the one hand, the Public believe that
teenagers
 should
work
 after they finish the
school
 day. If they
work
 at a young age, they earn so much
experience
.
Also
, the more
experience
 they gain, the more they can choose the best career which is suitable for them.
Moreover
, they can depend on themselves when they have their own money.
For example
, my best friend has so much
experience
 than me as he depended on himself when he was young.
On the other hand
, Others believe that
teenagers
 should not
work
 after
school
 activities as they have to exert more effort
besides
 their
studies
.
In other words
, they will become so much stressed.
As a result
, their health will be affected.
Moreover
, they will not concentrate on their
studies
 as they will not have much time for their
studies
.
For instance
, my brother works every day after he finishes
school
. His health is getting
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
worse, and he gets low marks
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the exams. In my opinion,
teenagers
 should concentrate on their
studies
 rather than working after
school
 activities. They have to get high marks in the exams so they get more motivated and conscious in selecting their career and they will gain
experience
 over time.
To conclude
, there are many different mindsets on determining the status of
teenagers
if
Correct word choice
and whether
show examples
 they should rest or
work
 after
school
. I believe they should concentrate on their
studies
.
Submitted by mohamedicdl175 on

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coherence cohesion
Include a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to better link your ideas and paragraphs together. Examples include however, therefore, in addition, and consequently. This will improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting details and examples. Consider the relevance of your examples and expand upon them to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. Clearly outline your main points in the introduction and summarize them effectively in the conclusion. This helps reinforce your argument and provides clarity to the reader.
task achievement
Address the task directly by clearly stating your position and directly responding to all parts of the question. Make sure to devote a balanced discussion to both views before presenting your own opinion to fully meet the task requirements.
task achievement
Use specific, detailed examples to support your points. While personal anecdotes are valuable, incorporating a broader range of examples, including statistics, would provide stronger support for your arguments.
task achievement
To improve clarity, ensure your ideas are well-organized and concise. Avoid repetitions and focus on expressing your arguments in a clear, straightforward manner. This will enhance the comprehension and impact of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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