IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Parents should take courses in parenting in order to improve the lives of their children. To what extent do you agree?

#parents #courses #lives #children
These days, taking parenting
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 for
parents
 is crucial for the lives of their
children
. Some
parents
 who are busy with their work sometimes do not pay attention
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 kind of thing. Meanwhile, I am certain that
this
course
 will make them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
better
parents
 in treating their
children
. Looking at what
happen
Wrong verb form
has happened
show examples
 in parenting
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 recently, many
children
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 very young
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 cannot get rid of their habit
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 playing
gadgets
Change preposition
with gadgets
show examples
,
such
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
. Many
parents
 who are busy with their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 are lazy to deal with their
children
. As
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proof, when their
children
 are crying (usually it is because they want attention), their
parents
 will give them their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 to make them stop crying. Because of
this
, kids become addicted to
gadgets
due to
 the existence of
gadgets
 they do not feel lonely.
This
 will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 impact
toward
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them since they do not interact much with their surroundings. They even do not care anymore about their
parents
 owing to having many friends
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media whether they do not know those people have bad intentions toward them or not.
However
, if
parents
 nowadays take parenting
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
, they can make better lives for their
children
. I know that in
this
 era
technology
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 spreading everywhere, and we cannot live without
technology
. Yet, in parenting
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
parents
 will be taught how to use
technology
 wisely.
For instance
, they will be taught how they should act when their
children
 are sulking because they are not allowed to use
gadgets
.
Hence
, if
parents
 do not want their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 lives
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
ruined by
technology
, it is better for them to take parenting
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
instead
 of blaming
technology
 development which
influence
Change the verb form
influences
show examples
 their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 behaviour.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task response
Ensure a clear and succinct introduction that presents your stance on the topic directly. This sets the stage for the rest of your essay.
task response
Further develop your conclusion by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion. This ensures a clear completion of your argumentation.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay and make your points clearer to the reader.
task response
Incorporate more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. This could include statistics, research findings, or more detailed scenarios that illustrate your points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Pay more attention to paragraphing—each paragraph should deal with one specific point. This helps with the logical organization of your ideas and enhances the readability of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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