IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give you own opinion.

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Many claim that
museums
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 should be
amusement
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places
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 for
people
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,
whereas
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 others opine that
museums
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 are built for educational purposes.
Although
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museums
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 are the
places
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 for countries histories, in my opinion, without some entertainment facilities they will be boring for
people
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. On the one hand,
museums
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 are constructed to give
people
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 some information about
history
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 which can be boring without being enjoyable
places
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 to amuse communities. First of all, many
people
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 go there in their leisure time and spend time with their families or friends. So if
museums
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 are not fascinating for
people
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, they will not go there anymore.
In addition
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,
museums
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 should absorb audiences in some different simple ways.
For instance
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, a tour guide to express information to visitors can be interesting, establishing many entertainment facilities like some shopping, restaurants, and coffee shops or children's parks. On the other, many
museums
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 are located near
amusement
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 parks to grab
people
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’s attention.
For example
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, Some bonuses or discounts on
amusement
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 park tickets are given to those who visit the museum to attract more visitors which is held in some European countries like the UK, Spain and so on.
However
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, many opine that
museums
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 are built for educational purposes. Many students and artists go there on tours in schools or universities to gain some information about the
history
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. , if the museum is an enjoyable place for all range of ages, no one will concentrate on the main aim of the museum which is education.
Secondly
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, they are packed with all types of
people
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 which is not appropriate for children and students.
For example
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, many drug dealers will go to
museums
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 to sell their products to students because they know that they can find all types of
people
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 there. But, if
museums
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 are not entertaining
places
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 for visitors, nobody will go there because all
people
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 know
history
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 is monotone for learning. As it is observed,
people
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 hardly ever go there normally, so it is better to make them amusing. In conclusion,
although
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 learning
history
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 in
museums
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 might be boring for all communities, in some simple ways we can show them visiting is worth it. I wish the government invested more money to replace
museums
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 with the next
amusement
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 parks.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay's logical structure, try to maintain a more distinct separation between your paragraphs, ensuring that each one addresses a specific point related to your argument. This would help in making your essay more organized and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
To further support your main points, it's essential to provide more detailed examples and evidence. By incorporating specific instances or case studies, you can strengthen your argument and make your claims more persuasive.
task achievement
A complete response to the IELTS essay question not only discusses both views but also clearly states your own opinion. You've done this, but to improve, aim to integrate your opinion throughout your discussion, rather than only at the beginning and end. This will make your stance more prominent.
task achievement
To make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive, consider simplifying complex sentences and ensuring that each paragraph clearly addresses a distinct aspect of the topic. Avoid overgeneralizations and strive for clarity in your arguments.
task achievement
To better illustrate your points, incorporate more varied and specific examples that directly relate to your argument. While you provided some examples, more detailed and diverse instances can enrich your essay and make your arguments more convincing.
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