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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy life at the same time. What problem can this situation cause? What can be done about this problem?

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Multitude entities try to have a prosperous
life
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 and spend their spare
time
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 with their family. The major problems and
this
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 issue are exhaustion and child behavioural issues and the most viable solution is designated periods of family
time
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.
To begin
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 with, maintaining success in one's
life
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 and happiness at home.
This
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 is because achieving both requires a substantial amount of
time
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 and one must forget the activities required for relaxation and recuperation. Another issue is that children of people with these aspirations are less likely to conduct themselves appropriately. As their parents are often preoccupied with issues at work, they ignore their children's behavioural problems
instead
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 of what is acceptable
by
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to
show examples
society.
For example
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, in Silicon Valley in California, employers are put under huge pressure to work long hours and
behavioral
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behavioural
show examples
 problems at school are more than in similar schools
elsewhere
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. To tackle
this
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 problem families should designate strict periods that are for family only.
This
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 is to say that parents would decide upon a
time
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 each day that cannot be interrupted by work and is solely focused on quality
time
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 with each other.
This
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 could be each evening or on the weekends and would help parents relax from the pressure of their career, and the child would get the attention that they deserve without any distracting
their
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from their
show examples
 mother.
For instance
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, it is traditional for many families around the world to eat dinner together and they can discuss their day without any unwanted distractions. In conclusion, striking the right balance between home
life
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 and working
life
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 is a major issue that can result in people working themselves too hard and not having opportunities to teach their children how to behave appropriately
however
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, it can be addressed
Change preposition
by
show examples
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 strictly adhering to the agreed upon times that are just for family bonding.

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Task Achievement
Focus on fully addressing all parts of the prompt. In your essay, while you briefly touch upon the problems and solutions, consider expanding on them with more depth and detail.
Task Achievement
Work on providing more specific, diverse examples to better illustrate your points. This will help in making your arguments more persuasive and engaging.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a logical flow of ideas from one paragraph to another. Use more transitional phrases to create a smoother bridge between sections.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your introduction and conclusion by clearly stating your point of view and summarizing your main arguments more prominently. This helps in reinforcing your stance to the reader.
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