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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men an women in Australia

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The bar chart illustrates how many
hours
Use synonyms
 males and females are utilised for their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 in Australia.Units are measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 Australian
men
Use synonyms
 spent more
hours
Use synonyms
 occupying a
week
Use synonyms
 compared to
women
Use synonyms
.Both
genders
Use synonyms
 spend 30-50
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
Use synonyms
 in jobs, with their most.
Whereas
Linking Words
 equally consumed time over 80
hours
Use synonyms
 for a small proportion of
genders
Use synonyms
 to gain money.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, less than a fifth of
women
Use synonyms
 have a
job
Use synonyms
 with 0-10
hours
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 have the same
job
Use synonyms
 condition.
Similarly
Linking Words
,in the 10-20
hours
Use synonyms
 of
work
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, with over 20 percentages and around 12 percentages for females and males respectively.
On the Other hand
Linking Words
 , the situation change
in contrast
Linking Words
,when these
genders
Use synonyms
 have 30-50
hours
Use synonyms
 of
work
Use synonyms
.In
this
Linking Words
 stage , over two-fifths of
Men
Use synonyms
 are working per
week
Use synonyms
, almost 8% more than
women
Use synonyms
 with approximately 35%. Both
genders
Use synonyms
 spend the most time in
this
Linking Words
 type of
work
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 the male population is again greater than female in
job
Use synonyms
 conditions with 60-80
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the total percentage dropped gradually for both of them.
Men
Use synonyms
's duration of
work
Use synonyms
 is 30%
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 spend about 18% in
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Moreover
Linking Words
, one in ten males and females in Australia are in their
job
Use synonyms
 over 80
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, men, week, women, genders, job, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 5 times.
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