IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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There are two prevailing perspectives towards
children
Use synonyms
 in
this
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 information era. Some people assert that individualism in
children
Use synonyms
 is one of the results of allowing them to choose their own
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
 by themselves,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that brave
children
Use synonyms
 can shape themselves when they can make their own decisions regarding their own problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will shed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light on the issue and discuss both points of view. On the one hand, proponents against individualism believe that allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to make a decision
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own side is backward since
children
Use synonyms
’s mental state is still unstable.
Therefore
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 should play a big role
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the development of their
children
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.
For instance
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 give some
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 or suggestions when their
children
Use synonyms
 desire to purchase a high-end smartphone by providing
with
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apply
show examples
a clear consideration of the benefits and the drawbacks.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
 will not always think about themselves.
On the other hand
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, leading
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 is a must since it can allow them to think critically towards something.
For example
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, during the time when
children
Use synonyms
 graduate from secondary school and plan to pursue higher education at university.
This
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 is a big deal for some
children
Use synonyms
 since they sometimes have a conflict with their
parents
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.
However
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, their voice and consideration to choose the best thing for their future life based on their passion should be appreciated.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should support
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 and play their role as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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advisor
Fix the agreement mistake
advisors
show examples
.
As a result
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, the trust between them will increase
as well as
Linking Words
 a strong connection within
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 will be tightened.
To sum up
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, the creation of future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
 can be started as early as possible.
By giving
Change preposition
Giving
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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trust towards
children
Use synonyms
 to decide a crucial thing in their life is one of the ways to shape their bright future. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 method can create
children
Use synonyms
 with critical thinking and good analysis
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 every
matters
Change to a singular noun
matter
show examples
.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but try to improve your paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a single clear main idea supported by examples. This will make your argument more easily understood and follow a more logical progression.
Task Achievement
Make sure to explicitly state your own opinion in your conclusion, tying it back to the discussion presented in your body paragraphs. This will strengthen your task achievement by making your stance clear and providing a succinct summary of the discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the coherence and cohesion of your text.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your arguments, thus improving task achievement. Try to include real-life cases or statistical evidence to make your points more compelling and grounded.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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