Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
There are two prevailing perspectives towards
children
in this
information era. Some people assert that individualism in children
is one of the results of allowing them to choose their own desire
by themselves, Fix the agreement mistake
desires
while
others believe that brave children
can shape themselves when they can make their own decisions regarding their own problems. This
essay will shed the
light on the issue and discuss both points of view.
On the one hand, proponents against individualism believe that allowing Correct article usage
apply
children
to make a decision by
their own side is backward since Change preposition
on
children
’s mental state is still unstable. Therefore
, parents
should play a big role during
the development of their Change preposition
in
children
. For instance
, parents
give some advices
or suggestions when their Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
children
desire to purchase a high-end smartphone by providing with
a clear consideration of the benefits and the drawbacks. Change preposition
apply
Therefore
, children
will not always think about themselves.
On the other hand
, leading children
to make their own decision
is a must since it can allow them to think critically towards something. Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
For example
, during the time when children
graduate from secondary school and plan to pursue higher education at university. This
is a big deal for some children
since they sometimes have a conflict with their parents
. However
, their voice and consideration to choose the best thing for their future life based on their passion should be appreciated. Parents
should support the
Change the word
their
children
and play their role as an
Correct article usage
apply
advisor
. Fix the agreement mistake
advisors
As a result
, the trust between them will increase as well as
a strong connection within family
will be tightened.
Add an article
the family
a family
To sum up
, the creation of future generation
can be started as early as possible. Fix the agreement mistake
generations
By giving
Change preposition
Giving
a
trust towards Correct article usage
apply
children
to decide a crucial thing in their life is one of the ways to shape their bright future. I believe that this
method can create children
with critical thinking and good analysis on
every Change preposition
of
matters
.Change to a singular noun
matter
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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but try to improve your paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a single clear main idea supported by examples. This will make your argument more easily understood and follow a more logical progression.
Task Achievement
Make sure to explicitly state your own opinion in your conclusion, tying it back to the discussion presented in your body paragraphs. This will strengthen your task achievement by making your stance clear and providing a succinct summary of the discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the coherence and cohesion of your text.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your arguments, thus improving task achievement. Try to include real-life cases or statistical evidence to make your points more compelling and grounded.
Your opinion
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If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?