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Band 5.5

Some school leavers choose to travel or work for a year before going to university. What might be the reasons for this? What are the disadvantages of this practice?

#school #leavers #travel #work #year #university #practice
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It is common practice nowadays for many
people
 ending high school to take
one
year
 of travelling or working before joining
post secondary
Add a hyphen
post-secondary
show examples
 studies.There are many reasons why now a lot of students take a break from studying after GED12, and
this
 essay will showcase a few of them. The
fist
Correct your spelling
first
show examples
 reason why many
people
 take a break from studying before going to
university
 is that many Countries offer
one
year
 of travel and
work
permit
Fix the agreement mistake
permits
show examples
.
This
 provides a good opportunity for international mobility and gives young
people
 a great reason to
enbark
Correct your spelling
embark
 on a journey that can be rewarding as a personal growth experience, and an opportunity for professional insights on the ways of working abroad which might differ from their native land.
For example
, many young
people
 nowadays in Italy take advantage of the
one
Add a hyphen
one-year
show examples
year
work
 Visa for
people
 under 30
years
 of age to travel and
work
 in Canada or Australia, which allows them to improve their
english
Change the capitalization
English
show examples
 language skills and
withness
Correct your spelling
witness
show examples
 by first hand a different culture and approach to
work
 mentality. Once back
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
Italy
Add a comma
Italy,
show examples
 they can apply those skills, but they have a clear disadvantage in front of
people
 who jumped directly from high school to
university
, since employers in Italy
nowaadays
Correct your spelling
nowadays
 prefer hiring younger candidates with a bachelor's or a master's degree, preferring i.e. a 23
years
 old graduate to a 24
years
 old with the same degree,
thus
 that
year
 spent abroad might become a penalty against the competitors on the job market. Another reason why
people
 take a sabbatical
year
 from the books after high school lies behind a
study
 fatigue accumulated during all those
years
 behind a desk. Many
people
 find out that a
year
 of travelling recharges mental energy and gives a boost to the academic path once back.
While
 recovering energies for
one
year
 might seem a great jumpstart for the
university
, many discover,
instead
, that
this
 causes a lack
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 interest in
study
 or they might have lost the habit of studying properly. These two stances create more stress for the persons who join
university
 later on, in front of those who
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
university
 immediately after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
secondary studies.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
 instance, a great deal of
people
 who
took
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
one
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
year
 of break from
the
Change the word
their
show examples
study
 path
ends
Correct subject-verb agreement
end
show examples
 up dropping
university
 after the first session,
due to
 the fatigue
to adapt
Change preposition
of adapting
show examples
 again to the
study
 challenges.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
show examples
 might even consider
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not joining the
university
 at all, and
this
 creates a disadvantage for entire Countries that invest a considerable amount of resources
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 higher education, expecting an elevated number of
high skilled
Add a hyphen
high-skilled
show examples
 graduates to help
boosting
Wrong verb form
boost
show examples
 the national economy. After these examples of disadvantages, it is evident now that choosing to travel or
work
 after high
scool
Correct your spelling
school
 might seem a great chance
due to
 the international mobility opportunities and
self care
Add a hyphen
self-care
show examples
 advantages,
bot
Correct your spelling
but
show examples
 the benefits of
this
 practice hide consequences like being penalized
agains
Correct your spelling
against
again
 younger degreed
people
 or the lack of the needed focus to complete
university
, so youngsters should really
weight
Correct your spelling
weigh
show examples
 the advantages against the clear disadvantages of
this
 practice
agains
Correct your spelling
against
 their personal and professional goals.
Submitted by g.marta2013 on

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Task Achievement
Work on developing your ideas more thoroughly. While the essay touches upon reasons and disadvantages, diving deeper into each point with more nuanced examples or analysis would strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea broadly and then narrows down to specific details or examples. This will make your argument clearer and more comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, make use of a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. This will enhance the flow of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Revise your essay structure to include a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. This will guide the reader more effectively through your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider revising the conclusion to more distinctly reflect back on the arguments made in the body paragraphs, summarizing the main points briefly before stating your final opinion. This reinforces the purpose and coherence of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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