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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.

The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia.
#bar #participation #children #leisure #activities #australia
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The information about the number of teenagers who
take
Verb problem
apply
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participate in five different kinds of leisure activities is depicted by a given bar chart. The data has been calibrated in percentage.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it can be vividly manifested that the highest proportion is attributed to watching tv and videos,
while
Linking Words
rolle
Correct your spelling
roller
 blading represents the lowest point. At first glance at the chart, it is evident that a slight discrepancy is seen between the percentile of young men and young women in rolle blading which is 40% and 35%,
correspondingly
Rephrase
respectively
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.
Further
Linking Words
 analysis reveals that the ratio of
boys
Use synonyms
 who get
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
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 in bike riding is higher than
the
Correct determiner usage
that
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Use synonyms
girls
Change preposition
of girls
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, the former
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is almost 65% and the latter is about 50%. Moving to the next information, the ratio of 5 to
14 year old
Add a hyphen
14-year-old
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boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 who watch
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 and videos is apparent same
Verb problem
,
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that is
Linking Words
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
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99
Change preposition
for 99
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%. Probing ahead, the
boys
Use synonyms
 play more electronic and computer games rather than the
girls
Use synonyms
 which stands at 79% and 61%, respectively.
Linking Words
Hence forward
Correct your spelling
Henceforward
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, a considerable difference is noticed in the number of
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 who engage in art and craft activity.
Submitted by real.nawa on

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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