IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
One of the widely discussed topics in modern days is that youngsters tend to be online for hours a day.
This
 problem is
due to
 that smartphones are light dopamine for
children
, and I consider that it has a negative impact on a child's health. To commence with, gadgets have become an integral part of life since they provide with dopamine
that is
 necessary for
children
's development. These days by playing online games
children
 acquire a wide range of emotions whether it is positive or negative, so they get used to playing them considerably a lot.
Furthermore
, the majority tend to play with a group of friends for winners, and that competitive feeling drives them up and provides them with dopamine.
For instance
, a popular game called "PubG" where the purpose is to kill opponents was played by over 1 billion young ones.
In addition
, spending significantly a lot of time on online gadgets, and not following restrictions that were taught by parents have detrimental consequences. At an early age, they will suffer from problems with health, especially
vision
 issues. Low
vision
 is caused because of the light produced by phones.
This
 light is considered harmful since it burns a layer of the eye, and the child's
vision
 goes to minus. To take one example, one-third of
children
 above 10 years wear glasses for
vision
.
Children
 depend on their smartphones because it gives them various emotions and feelings.
However
, spending too much time on phones will lead to health problems.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
To improve task response, make sure your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your introduction briefly mentions the reasons children spend hours on smartphones but could more clearly outline the reasons and indicate whether you believe it's positive or negative. Expand your analysis and link it directly back to the question in the conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, enhance the logical flow of your essay by using a wider range of linking words and phrases, and clearer topic sentences. While you have logical structure, the transitions between ideas can be smoother. Consider creating clearer distinctions between paragraphs by starting each with a strong topic sentence that signals the content of the paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: