IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people hesitate between getting a job and starting their own business. While the idea of not having a boss and working on one's own schedule may sound tempting, financial risks and stress sometimes outweigh these advantages. In your opinion what are the pros and cons of working in a company?

#people #job #business #idea #boss #schedule #sound #risks #stress #company
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
From dawn of the time, humans had to
work
 to provide their life necessities. In today’s climate, the issue of being an employee has become a controversial minefield.
While
 it is rational to accept that working in a company can sometimes have a negative effect, it seems that they are more likely to bring benefits. The main justification why being an employee is not fruitful is the fact that it does not have job security. In case of inflation or financial recession, companies can make them redundant easily.
Therefore
, workers cannot have a long plan for their lives since they may become jobless at any time. Another drawback is that in some companies employees have to
work
 at unsociable hours.
In other words
, they should
work
 nocturnally which can bring numerous serious health mental, and physical problems.
For example
, people who
work
 for a long time during the night are more vulnerable to be depressed.
On the other hand
, it could be argued that these disadvantages are not comparable to its merits. The first plus point is that they have financial security in the youth and retirement. If you
work
 as a self-employed, your income would vary
according to
 the condition of the market or even you may get sick for a week which enables you to
work
,
while
 when you are working in a company you are sure that a certain amount of money will be in your bank account
at the end
 of the month.
In addition
, you will be retired after years, and
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 the government’s responsibility to support you. The next main benefit is that employees have less responsibility than self-contractors.
This
 can lead to having a calm mind and,
consequently
, a better life. What can be concluded regarding the discussion revolve working in a company is that its plus points surpass the possible drawbacks it could bring about.
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that you open your essay with a strong introduction that outlines the discussion points. In your current introduction, you could have more clearly stated your opinion or the direction of your argument.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, consider integrating more specific examples and data to strengthen your arguments. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or personal anecdotes that directly support your points.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout the essay. You've done well in separating drawbacks and benefits into distinct paragraphs; continue refining this structure for clarity.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, transition phrases can fluidly connect ideas and paragraphs. Incorporating phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition to,' or 'Contrastingly,' can guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing more balanced paragraphs. While you've touched on both pros and cons, some sections could benefit from further elaboration. This would not only improve coherence and cohesion but also task achievement by providing a more rounded exploration of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: