IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Issues related to the
developement
Correct your spelling
development
in
Change preposition
of
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 children are frequently discussed these days. It is argued that playing computer
games
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 less beneficial for kids's improvement than outdoor activities. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 assertion and
this
Linking Words
 essay will provide
futher exlpanations
Correct your spelling
further explanations
 and examples to support my viewpoint. On the one hand, the
fist
Correct your spelling
first
show examples
 reason to consider is that outdoor activities require numerous physical
skills
Use synonyms
 than focusing on console
games
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, trekking, hiking or even
sport
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sports
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 need coordination between physical and mental abilities but the majority
Change preposition
of condition
show examples
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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belongs
Correct subject-verb agreement
belong
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 to physiological talents. Descendants who are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
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 of adventure exercises tend to have better sanity or
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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 than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are not.
For instance
Linking Words
, research has shown that 75
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of people spending their time in open-air recreation
also
Linking Words
 have
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 mind and statuesque shape.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the main point of
this
Linking Words
 view is that online
games
Use synonyms
 these days help improve several
skills
Use synonyms
 that can be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important talents in the future. To explain, kids who are surrounded by both online and offline
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 may have
greater
Add an article
a greater
the greater
show examples
 decision, teamworking,
Correct word choice
and stretegy
show examples
stretegy
Correct your spelling
strategy
skills
Use synonyms
 than people who seldom play
games
Use synonyms
.
For Example
Linking Words
, there is evidence to suggest that 60
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of children who are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
game experts or pro players own stronger
leader ship
Correct your spelling
leadership
show examples
 talents or problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
 than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are not. All things considered, I am of the opinion that both indoor and outdoor hobbies comprehensively involve
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several
advantage
Change to a plural noun
advantages
show examples
 including mental and physical
asepects
Correct your spelling
aspects
.
However
Linking Words
, we should find the right balance between

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coherence cohesion
Introduction & conclusion: Ensure your essay has a clear introductory paragraph that introduces the topic and a concluding paragraph that summarizes your points and restates your opinion. Your essay lacks a clear conclusion, affecting its overall cohesiveness.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure: Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, including an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be supported by examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Supported main points: While you provide examples to support your argument, aim to develop these further with more detailed explanation or additional evidence.
task achievement
Complete response: Make sure to fully address the prompt, including stating your opinion clearly and developing your argument fully with appropriate supporting details. Your essay does not clearly conclude, leaving the argument partially unresolved.
task achievement
Clear, comprehensive ideas: Strive for clarity in expressing your ideas. Avoid overly complex sentences that may confuse the reader, and ensure each paragraph has a clear point that contributes to your overall argument.
task achievement
Relevant, specific examples: Your essay benefits from the use of examples, but these could be further enhanced by providing more detail or demonstrating how they directly support your point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
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