IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Please outline your plans and strategies for actively participating in local and international communities throughout the IISMA program, and provide some concrete examples. *

#outline #plans #strategies #communities #iisma #program
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My academic focus selection at Queen Mary University of London, which is renowned for its
research
 excellence, lies in addressing critical environmental gaps in
Indonesia
. With the UK's reputation in logistics, I aim to take Global Supply Chains and Innovation Strategy courses at Queen Mary to deepen my understanding and contribute to the logistic gaps in
Indonesia
 to enhance efficiency in business processes.
Dr.
Change the punctuation
Dr
show examples
 Stuart Peters, the lecturer of the Innovation Strategy course, believes that technological solutions in the energy arena,
initially
 intended to move towards a 'greener future,' often lead to more serious environmental impacts, which led him to his current
research
. I have written a
research
 paper about the massive carbon footprint
as a consequence
 of digitalization, despite the common use of technological solutions to address environmental problems. During the
research
, I realized the inadequacy of available literature about
this
 issue in
Indonesia
. I
plan
 to delve into the course under Dr. Peters’ guidance and be his mentee, whose interdisciplinary background aligns seamlessly with my
research
 interests in innovation in Industry 4.0 and
environmental
Correct article usage
the environmental
show examples
 sustainability approach with AI.
This
 will form the basis for my exploration into how to
plan
 a sustainable strategy to propose eco-friendly solutions by leveraging technological innovations, without negatively affecting the environment more. If granted the IISMA opportunity, I
plan
 to conduct a comprehensive investigation into optimizing supply chain management in
Indonesia
, motivated by
logistic
Correct article usage
the logistic
show examples
 challenges of the Indonesian archipelago. I
also
 aspire to contribute to the learning resources in
Indonesia
 by writing my later thesis about
this
 exploration.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 the academic publication, I intend to utilize social media platforms to raise awareness about the environmental effects of digital shifts in
Indonesia
, targeting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Indonesian young individuals. Moving to cultural initiatives, I intend to introduce and familiarize locals with Indonesian cultural art. I
plan
 to organize a cultural night workshop, by teaching a simple traditional saman dance, drawing from my past performance during a high school exchange program and receiving abundant appreciation.
Submitted by shafatriviaa on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a strong structure, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. However, to improve, consider linking your paragraphs more explicitly to demonstrate how each idea relates to the others, enhancing overall coherence.
task achievement
Your task response is commendable, thoroughly addressing the essay prompt. To elevate it further, ensure every part of the essay directly contributes to answering the prompt. Streamline your response to maintain focus and relevance throughout.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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