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Band 5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults who commit crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
Deciding to choose among the potential ways of punishing young
people
 who commit
crimes
 continues to be a controversial issue for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societies and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments. It is argued by some that these
people
 should be treated the same as
adults
. I personally disagree with
this
 opinion
due to
 the adverse effects of imprisonment on a teenager’s mental health. Many countries put the
criminals
 of their society at jails considering it as a very effective
way
 of punishment. It is understandable that
this
 does exert a positive influence on decreasing
crime
 in
the
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apply
show examples
society by putting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals
 in an unpleasant situation
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 they would mostly never wish to experience again.
As a result
,
this
 could impede them from attempting
crime
 in the future.
For example
, my friend who had been sent to jail for 2 months because of repeatedly committing traffic
offends
Replace the word
offences
show examples
, has never committed the same
crime
 since being released admitting that being in prison had been intolerable for her.
However
, I believe using the same
way
 of punishment for youngsters would not be a wise idea. In fact, teenagers are at a very critical age in which the core of their personality is being shaped.
There for
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, sending them to prison like
adults
 as a
way
 of punishment for their
crimes
, which are most often pity
crimes
, would actually expose them to other
criminals
 who might have some serious personality disorders and
this
 would adversely affect their personality as an adult in the future. To put
in
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 another
way
,
such
 punishments
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 to become a threat to their mental health leading them to commit more serious
crimes
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run.
For instance
,
according to
 the law of my country, young
people
 are being punished the same as
adults
. A recent survey revealed that
this
 policy has not been effective so far since 60% of these teenage
criminals
 end up drug trafficking after being released from prison which had been sent to for a pity
crime
. In conclusion,
although
 the ways that
adults
 are being punished in many countries might be quite effective
to decrease
Change preposition
in decreasing
show examples
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate, I do not agree that it is a wise decision to use these ways for punishing young
people
 as well.
Submitted by alperenyakut on

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Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the essay question in your introduction by stating whether you agree or disagree with the statement. This will enhance clarity in your task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences that clearly indicate the main idea of each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Ensure each paragraph explores a distinct idea related to your thesis, supported by examples or further explanation, for a thorough exploration of your stance on the topic.
General
Proofread for minor grammatical or spelling errors to ensure your argument is presented as clearly and professionally as possible.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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