IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays people are consuming more and more sugar based drinks. Why do they do so? Sugguest measures to solve the problem?

#people #sugar #drinks #sugguest #measures
It is true that soft
drinks
 are
being
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 increasingly popular these days. There are various reasons why
people
 prefer more
surgar sweetened
Correct your spelling
sugar-sweetened
 beverages, but
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
drinks
producer
Fix the agreement mistake
producers
show examples
 could certainly
collabrate
Correct your spelling
collaborate
 together to address
this
 issue. Compared to
non- sweetened
Correct your spelling
non-sweetened
show examples
drinks
sugar
based
Correct your spelling
sugar-based
show examples
 beverages definitely could offer more variety of
favous
Correct your spelling
favours
.
People
are tended
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to try new things rather than water or tea which do not have any favour.
According to
 recent research conducted by Coles, the biggest supermarket in Australia, 50 different kinds of sweetened
drinks
 were offered in 2023, ranging from juices, soda
drinks
 and favoured milk. It is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable
show examples
 fact that it is hard for individuals to pick water when they have options to select different
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
 of
drinks
 based on their personal
prefrences
Correct your spelling
preferences
.
Furthermore
,
people
craving for
Wrong verb form
crave
show examples
sugar
due to
 their imbalance
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 diet. A person with low blood
sugar
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 will lead to them craving for
sugar
. These
people
 will prefer
surgar
Correct your spelling
sugar
 based
drinks
 if there is an option. In order to reduce the amount of
sugar
people
 consume in
drinks
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
enforced
Verb problem
force
show examples
 the
drinks
manufacturer
Fix the agreement mistake
manufacturers
show examples
 to produce
drinks
 with less
sugar
.
Such
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 juice producer called ' Wild
juice
Capitalize word
Juice
show examples
',
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
stated
Correct your spelling
started
show examples
 introducing no added
sugar
drinks
 to the market.
People
 are able to enjoy sugary
drinks
 without
over consumption
Correct your spelling
overconsumption
show examples
.
In addition
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
also
 subsidy
manufacturer
Fix the agreement mistake
manufacturers
show examples
 in order to encourage them to study
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using natural sweeteners
such
 as real fruit and honey
instead
 of
sugar
.
This
 will be an efficient approach to reduce the
sugar
 consumption. To
summaries
Replace the word
summarise
show examples
, the rise in
sugar based
Add a hyphen
sugar-based
show examples
drinks
 consumption is
due to
 the variety of favoured
drinks
 provided in the market and
imbalance
Correct article usage
the imbalance
show examples
 of
morden
Correct your spelling
modern
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
dietry
Correct your spelling
diet
.
While
 it is impossible to stop them from having soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
, working with
manufacturer
Fix the agreement mistake
manufacturers
show examples
 to produce healthier
drinks
 can be a feasible measure.
Submitted by jennygo64 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly addresses the question and outlines your argument. Your introduction did well to state the topic and hint at the discussion, but it could be more explicitly connected to the question prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each addressing a single idea. Your essay has a logical structure, but sometimes ideas within paragraphs feel a bit jumbled or not fully separated.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clarify the main point you will discuss. It helps the reader understand what to expect from each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Back up your statements with more specific examples or data where possible. While you have included some, additional relevant examples or evidence could strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and using a range of linking words to improve the flow of your essay and the connections between ideas. This will enhance the cohesion and readability of your text.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: