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Band 5.5

People who do not use social media networks will always fall behind in career development opportunities. To what extent do you feel that this is an accurate and important prediction?

#people #media #networks #fall #career #development #opportunities #prediction
Social
media
networks
 play an increasingly basic role and are one of the important ways to communicate with each other. People who
use
 these ways can raise the speed of their work and do it faster than doing it in person,
while
 it is an exaggeration to say that ignorance
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 these systems
restrict
Change the verb form
restricts
show examples
 our
career’s
Change noun form
career
show examples
 advancement.
Firstly
, career progression depends on many factors including; education, qualifications (ranging from academic exams to vocational certificates), and experience, not only on the
use
 of social
media
networks
.
For instance
, successful doctors after graduating with specialized degrees join specific clinics or hospitals to develop their skills. Here, social
media
 may be a communication tool, but it is not the only driving force for success.
Secondly
, career development relies on interpersonal skills,
such
 as presentation, persuasion, and negotiation methods
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
all of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are used in face-to-face meetings rather than remotely.
On the other hand
, by using
networks
 we can connect with
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 people in another country,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which helps us to expand (spread) our knowledge and experiment (experience).
Besides
 we can get to know different
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 in the world.
Finally
, we should consider the positive and negative aspects of
networks
.
For example
, when you
accidently
Correct your spelling
accidentally
 post awkward photos it can get comments that affect negatively
on
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apply
show examples
your position. In fact, many professionals minimize their
use
 of these systems because of
this
 risk and prefer to take care of their status.
To sum up
, it appears that
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
use
 of these
media
 can play a useful role in
career’s
Change noun form
career
show examples
 development, despite the possible risks. On top of that, we can save time and energy and do our
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 in less time.
Also
, we can be aware of all events happening around the world and learn to solve the challenging situations in our lives.
Submitted by fidya on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement: - Ensure your essay fully responds to all parts of the task. While you have addressed the main topic, expanding on how individuals can adapt to counter the negative impact of not using social media in their career could strengthen your argument. - Aim to present your ideas more comprehensively by delving deeper into each point made. The use of more detailed examples to illustrate your points can also enhance clarity and relevance.
Coherence and Cohesion
To elevate Coherence and Cohesion: - Structure your essay in a clear logical sequence. While you have done well, making more explicit connections between ideas can provide more seamless reader experience. - Use a variety of linking words and transitions smoothly to connect ideas and paragraphs, ensuring natural flow. - Pay attention to the presentation and development of introduction and conclusion; ensure they encapsulate the main ideas effectively and are comprehensive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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