IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the goverment sholud take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their retirement. What is your opinion? Is it a postive or negative development?

#people #goverment #sholud #care #support #individuals #years #fund #retirement #postive #development
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Poeople
Correct your spelling
People
 who reach a certain age to be
pensioner
Fix the agreement mistake
pensioners
show examples
.In some countries administrations assume responsibility for their expenses and
also
 pay them regularly every month. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individuals find
this
 to be true
however
 some of them
are thinking
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 that they need to collect money for their elderliness in the course of
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the years they could run. In
this
 article, I will discuss the good and bad aspects of these two ideas.
Firstly
, In many of the land, folk regularly pay taxes to their government. As well
that is
why
Rephrase
also why
show examples
, individuals think that their management has to
Add a missing verb
be interest
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interest
Replace the word
interested
show examples
Change preposition
in
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their own population when they get old.
This
 makes sense. States exist for the society. In my opinion, an individual who has paid his taxes deserves to be cared for by the state. It
also
 increases
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 trust in the state. In a country where there is trust,
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 do not need to
wory
Correct your spelling
worry
 about for the rest of their lives. It
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
also
 has a critical importance for the economy. As long as there is money, the established economic order will continue to move. All of
these reason
Change the determiner
this reason
these reasons
show examples
 are
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 effects.
Secondly
, There are nations who think that all these are unnecessary expenses. They
are thinking
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 that the state does not have to look after
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
you. Folk might invest in their own future
while
 working. It actually, makes sense to save money for the future.
However
, I can not say that I completely agree with
this
 idea. It may make sense
ın
Correct your spelling
in
 terms of states' budgets.
However
, it is definitely not a humane approach.
Finally
, everyone has their own opinion. If we consider
this
 issue from the perspective of human rights, it is extremely important to provide pensions and care for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 crowd.
Submitted by ecem.tekben on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in the task achievement criterion, ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the prompt. Include a clear opinion on whether you think the government should support the elderly or individuals should save for their retirement. Also, integrate more specific examples to substantiate your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on the logical flow of your ideas. Use clear paragraphing to separate your introduction, main body, and conclusion. Within each paragraph, ensure that sentences are linked seamlessly, using appropriate transition words. Lastly, strive for a more structured argument by presenting each main point clearly and supporting it with examples or explanations.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • healthcare
  • poverty
  • elderly
  • financial literacy
  • planning
  • invest
  • disparities
  • acumen
  • sustainability
  • allocation
  • public service
  • dignity
  • contribution
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