There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

For young people to succeed academically has more pressure than there used to be. For improving

concentracety

Correct your spelling

concentricity

concentrate

on academic work, some people think the subjects that are not related to academics like physical education can cookery could be

canceled

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cancelled

show examples

Firstly

, getting high scores in academics requires students to spend plenty of time

Change preposition

apply

show examples

studying.

For example

, to be a software engineer,

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

mathematics and science are considered the most important classes in school.

Therefore

practicing

Change the spelling

practising

show examples

on huge amounts of quizzes and research for deeper knowledge would be necessary for kids that there has no time for

the

Correct article usage

show examples

subject

that is

not related.

Nevertheless

, schools should provide diverse fields for students to discover their personality.

For instance

, subject art and music allow children to walk out of the room to see the world with great artists' works.

Furthermore

, painting needs people to concentrate

Change preposition

show examples

comprehending the logic of the physical and colour mixing. In conclusion, it is my opinion that academic topics are not the only purpose we need to pursue in school life.

Moreover

, to find the purpose of life, students need to experience the world and things brought

Change preposition

about by

show examples

diverse matters and exercises.

Submitted by sam658769 on Tue Feb 20 2024

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coherence cohesion

Improve logical structure by organizing your arguments more clearly. Start with a topic sentence for each paragraph, followed by explanation and examples.

coherence cohesion

Provide a clear introduction and conclusion that directly address the question posed. State your position clearly in the introduction and summarize it in the conclusion.

coherence cohesion

Develop your main points by supporting them with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.

task achievement

Ensure a complete response to the task by fully addressing all parts of the prompt. Make sure your position is clear and maintained throughout the essay, and that you cover relevant aspects related to the topic.

task achievement

Clarify your ideas by developing them more comprehensively. Avoid broad statements by focusing on specifics which demonstrate your understanding of the subject.

task achievement

Increase the relevance of your examples by choosing those that directly support your main points. Examples should be specific and clearly linked to the arguments they are intended to illustrate.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

194 words

<40

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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Your opinion

Demand for gas and oil is increasing and so finding new sources in remote and untouched area is a necessity. Advantages outweigh disadvantages

Children at secondary school are often taken on visits to museums, zoo and concerts and sometimes even to other countries. What do you think the advantages and disadvantages of such visits are?

People in many countries are spending less time with their family. What are the reasons, and effects of this?

You have a problem with a recently hired employee in your workplace. Write a letter to the HR manager. In your letter describe the problem the new employee has caused Explain how other colleagues feel about the new employee's conduct Say how you expect the manager to address the situation.

Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while others struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?