Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

Most
people
think that
money
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
for living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
,
some
Correct word choice
and some
show examples
of them think
money
may bring
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
happiness
. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
will give a reason
money
will give
happiness
to
people
.
Firstly
,
money
may bring
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
Change preposition
to
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
those
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
needed. Some
people
may think
money
can help them resolve any kind of problem.
For example
, having a good amount of
money
can help them get a better lifestyle, a better education and health. In
this
case, those
whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
have
money
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can do anything
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
like without
thingking
Correct your spelling
thinking
twice
to get
Change preposition
about getting
show examples
something
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
like and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
them happy.
Secondly
,
money
really can make you a happier person. A
wealth
Replace the word
Wealthy
show examples
person always
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
something
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
free time.
For example
,having
a expensive hobbies
Correct the article-noun agreement
an expensive hobby
expensive hobbies
show examples
like golf in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
free time with their friends. Some
people
like to
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
a donation to help
people
to have a better life. I believe
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
something we like will make us a happier person. In conclusion,
money
can make bring
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
happiness
. Become a free financial stable
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
get a better lifestyle.
Submitted by teresa1411tt on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, showing that money can contribute to happiness through improved lifestyle, education, health, leisure activities, and philanthropy. However, it's critical to fully address the prompt by discussing the importance of money to happiness in a more nuanced way. Consider exploring different perspectives and including a discussion on how money might not always lead to happiness or how happiness is subjective and may vary from person to person. This will help in providing a more comprehensive response to the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay's structure can be improved by enhancing the logical flow and connection between ideas. Start by introducing your main points in the introduction, followed by body paragraphs that explore each point in detail, supported by personal examples or hypothetical situations. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph logically leads to the next, maintaining a clear and cohesive argument throughout your essay. Using transitional phrases can also help in linking ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, consider revising for grammatical accuracy and refining your sentence structures. Proper use of grammar and varied sentence constructions can significantly impact the clarity and readability of your essay. It will also help in making your argument more compelling to the reader. Moreover, addressing minor errors, such as the incorrect use of plurals ('money are importance' should be 'money is important'), will also contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitation
  • foundational
  • comfort
  • financial stability
  • pursue hobbies
  • passionate
  • fulfilling
  • satisfying
  • financial security
  • peace of mind
  • mental well-being
  • fostering
  • social connections
  • fulfillment
  • material possessions
  • lasting memories
  • satisfaction
  • diminishing returns
  • wealth
  • translate
  • significant
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