Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.
Most
people
think that money
are
Change the verb form
is
importance
for living Replace the word
important
cost
, Fix the agreement mistake
costs
some
of them think Correct word choice
and some
money
may bring a
Remove the article
apply
happiness
. In this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
i
will give a reason Change the capitalization
I
money
will give happiness
to people
.
Firstly
, money
may bring Correct article usage
apply
a
Correct article usage
apply
happiness
Change preposition
to
for
those Change preposition
to
Correct pronoun usage
who are
are
needed. Some Correct pronoun usage
who are
people
may think money
can help them resolve any kind of problem. For example
, having a good amount of money
can help them get a better lifestyle, a better education and health. In this
case, those whose
have Correct pronoun usage
who
money
they
can do anything Correct pronoun usage
apply
their
like without Correct pronoun usage
they
thingking
twice Correct your spelling
thinking
to get
something Change preposition
about getting
their
like and Correct pronoun usage
they
make
them happy.
Wrong verb form
making
Secondly
, money
really can make you a happier person. A wealth
person always Replace the word
Wealthy
do
something Change the verb form
does
their
free time. Change preposition
in their
For example
,having a expensive hobbies
like golf in Correct the article-noun agreement
an expensive hobby
expensive hobbies
the
free time with their friends. Some Change the word
their
people
like to do
a donation to help Verb problem
make
people
to have a better life. I believe do
something we like will make us a happier person.
In conclusion, Wrong verb form
doing
money
can make bring a
Remove the article
apply
happiness
. Become a free financial stable help
get a better lifestyle.Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, showing that money can contribute to happiness through improved lifestyle, education, health, leisure activities, and philanthropy. However, it's critical to fully address the prompt by discussing the importance of money to happiness in a more nuanced way. Consider exploring different perspectives and including a discussion on how money might not always lead to happiness or how happiness is subjective and may vary from person to person. This will help in providing a more comprehensive response to the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay's structure can be improved by enhancing the logical flow and connection between ideas. Start by introducing your main points in the introduction, followed by body paragraphs that explore each point in detail, supported by personal examples or hypothetical situations. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph logically leads to the next, maintaining a clear and cohesive argument throughout your essay. Using transitional phrases can also help in linking ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, consider revising for grammatical accuracy and refining your sentence structures. Proper use of grammar and varied sentence constructions can significantly impact the clarity and readability of your essay. It will also help in making your argument more compelling to the reader. Moreover, addressing minor errors, such as the incorrect use of plurals ('money are importance' should be 'money is important'), will also contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite