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Band 5

Some people say that individuals should change jobs during their working life often while others believe that doing the same job has advantages to individuals, companies, and society.

#people #individuals #change #jobs #life #job #companies #society
Many people think that an employee should stay in the same
job
 for a long
time
 as
this
 benefits individuals, corporations, and
societ
Correct your spelling
society
.
Although
 there are tangible benefits to
this
 suggestion, I strongly believe that
job
 hopping holds a greater value for workers.
To begin
 with,
one
 of the significant benefits
one
 could get from sticking to the same occupation for a long
time
 is financial security. Having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stable work provides a consistent source of income to support themselves and their families.
In addition
 to that, it enhances his skills.
Bacause
Correct your spelling
Because
 of
this
, it allows him to get mastery in his field.
This
 depth
o
Correct your spelling
of
 experience can make him
highly
Add an article
a highly
show examples
 valuable asset
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the company.
Thus
Correct your spelling
This
show examples
, gives him a high chance
to get
Change preposition
of getting
show examples
 a promotion to move up the
career
 ladder.
On the other hand
, changing jobs from
time
 to
time
 helps the worker develop and find
his
Change the word
a
show examples
 satisfying
career
 path. In fact, it is common to find people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are unsatisfied with their jobs.
Therefore
, a shift in occupation can give them
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to discover their passion and follow their true pursuits.
Moreover
, it could give them a chance to expand their professional network. It can open doors to new opportunities and resources.
Hence
, certain moves in
career
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
 is necessary as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can help them build a
career
 that fits them later in life. In conclusion, despite the advantages of staying
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
one
job
, shifting from
one
job
 to another could lead the person to a satisfying
career
.
Thus
, companies and society should encourage
this
 rather than hinder
this
 progress.
Submitted by yoko.onerom on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, it's crucial to ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. Deepen your analysis of how job switching benefits society and companies, as this area was less developed compared to the benefits to individuals. Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to substantiate your arguments and make them more persuasive. This strengthens your essay by making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by improving the logical flow of ideas within paragraphs and across the essay. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Also, consider structuring your paragraphs more clearly around a single main idea, supported by detailed examples and explanations. This will make your essay easier to follow and your arguments more compelling.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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