IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smartphones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 21st century, many technological devices have been invented which are very important for human beings.
In particular
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, which equipment helps humans to communicate has great importance.
However
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, the belief of some
people
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 illustrates that the drawbacks of
these technological machinery
Change the determiner
this technological machinery
these technological machineries
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 are more than their benefits. To a major extent, I personally disagree with
this
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 belief. Certainly, there are numerous advantages of having the latest communication appliances
such
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 as mobiles. The predominant one among them is that, it helps
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 to stay connected with each other for a long period of time. To elaborate, with
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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 latest machinery crowd can share their thoughts and messages just by making calls.
In addition
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, these devices
is
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are
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also
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 used
also
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 usage to communicate by looking at each other's faces though
people
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 are staying far away from each other. Another benefit of inventing new advanced technology in the field of conversation is that
,
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apply
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 it makes the communication process easy.
In other words
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,
people
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 start can communicating with others whenever they need. Even these gadgets are easy to take away anywhere.
Moreover
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, it
also
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 saves the time and effort of conveying messages in the past.
For instance
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, communicating through post. Which was a lengthy process.
On the other hand
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, there are a few negative impacts of having these contact
material
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materials
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.
Firstly
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,
continuedcontinued
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continued continued
use
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 of mobile phones distracts
people
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 from their goals. Explaining it in simple terms, as tablets and computers are
useduse
Correct your spelling
used
 to communicate and
also
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 for internet surfing
people
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 keep enjoying
such
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 devices. They become addicted to these appliances by using them constantly.
Moreover
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, it mitigates the physical meetings of relatives.
For instance
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,
people
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 send invitations by using the internet
instead
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 of inviting
physically
Correct pronoun usage
them physically
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.
To conclude
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,
use
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 of advanced transmission technology
people
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 can stay connected with others for longer periods of time and even share their views and ideas with each other.
However
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, constant
use
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 of these apparatus creates harmful radiation and even disturbs and distracts humans easily.
Hence
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,
people
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 should
use
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 it wisely.

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task achievement
Work on ensuring that your main ideas are clearly presented and elaborated upon in separate paragraphs. Each paragraph should introduce one main idea, explain it, and provide an example if possible.
coherence and cohesion
Focus on varying your sentence structures and using complex sentences more effectively to better convey your points.
language proficiency
Pay attention to correct word choice and avoid repetition. Use synonyms and more formal vocabulary where appropriate.
coherence and cohesion
Review and follow the essay structure: Introduction, Body Paragraphs, and Conclusion, ensuring that each part plays its role correctly in the overall essay.
language proficiency
Improve the accuracy of your punctuation and grammar. This will enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
Include more specific, real-world examples to support your claims. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
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