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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010.
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The bar
char
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chart
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 compares the percentage of
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men
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male
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participants
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 in senior development in three software companies namely IBN,
Microsoft
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 and
Apple
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 from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the figures increased throughout the
years
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,
while
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IBM
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 employed the highest
number
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 of
participants
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. In 1980, 5
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percent
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per cent
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 of
senior positioned
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senior-positioned
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men
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was
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were
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 employed
in
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at
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IBM
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company
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.
However
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, in
Apple
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company
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company,
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 the
number
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 of
participants
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 was higher in that year to 15
percent
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. After 10
years
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, 11 and 10
percent
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on
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of
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 employers were hired
in
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by
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IBM
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 and
Microsoft
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 companies respectively. There was a significant rise in
IBM
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company
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 in 1995, the figure reached 25
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percent
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per cent
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participants
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of participants
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.
While
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 in
Microsoft
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company
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 almost 15
percent
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 of
men
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 in senior development
position
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positions
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 worked. When it comes to
Apple
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company
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, more than 20
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percent
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per cent
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 of senior
position
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positions
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men
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 were employed. After five
years
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, the
number
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 of
employers
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employees
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 in
IBM
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company
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 overcame all other companies by 32
percent
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.
However
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, the
number
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 of
Apple
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’s
employers
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employees
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 decreased to 29
percent
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.
While
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 in
Microsoft
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 the same
number
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 of
participants
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 worked as it was 5
years
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 ago. In 2010,
IBM
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company
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 reached almost
the
Correct article usage
a
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 peak
by
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of
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 65
percent
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.
While
Linking Words
Microsoft
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 and
Apple
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companies’
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companies
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participants
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 grew to 45 and 25
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percent
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per cent
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 respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, participants, microsoft, apple, years, ibm, number, percent, company with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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