IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people feel that the media should not openly share the private lives of celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #media #lives #celebrities
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It is sometimes argued that
private
Correct article usage
the private
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 life of
celebrities
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 should not be openly shown
in
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on
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 social
media
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. I do believe that the
media
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 should refrain from openly reporting on
private
Correct article usage
the private
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lives
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 of
celebrities
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.
To begin
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 with,
celebrities
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, like any other individuals, have
Correct article usage
the rights
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to have their own privacy. Despite their status and fame, they have their own personal space to live, so
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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media
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 should not cross them. Constant intrusion by the
media
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 into their private
lives
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 may lead
stress
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to stress
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, anxiety and even emotional harm.
Celebrities
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 should be able to keep balance in everything without fear of
media
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.
Moreover
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,
celebrities
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 who are trying to avoid
media
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 can damage their mental and emotional well-being.
Besides
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, sensation about them can harm both
general
Correct article usage
the general
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 public and
celebrities
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, because excessive focus on aspects of
celebrities
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’
lives
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 distracts from more important problems that the world is facing today.
In addition
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, a lot of information about
celebrities
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’
lives
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 of beauty, wealth and
successes
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success
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 may hurt
feelings
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the feelings
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 of ordinary people who are comparing them with
celebrities
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.
As a result
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,
such
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 people may have low self-esteem and self-doubt. In some
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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 publication of
private
Correct article usage
the private
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lives
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 of
celebrities
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 may lead to suicide because for some famous individuals
the
Correct article usage
apply
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private information can be so valuable that they cannot accept that fact.
For example
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, in Korean actor committed suicide because he was ashamed and could not look at
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
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 of his family. In conclusion,
while
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media
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 is doing its job to inform people about news, it should respect the private
lives
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 of individuals to prevent stressful
situation
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situations
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of
Change preposition
in
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 both public and
celebrities
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’
lives
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.
Submitted by lodele.0203 on

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task achievement
Focus on developing your body paragraphs with more detailed examples and analysis to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to connecting your ideas smoothly between paragraphs. Using a variety of linking words and phrases can help improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that every example and point you include is clearly linked back to your main argument. This will reinforce the relevance and impact of your examples.
coherence cohesion
Consider including a wider range of vocabulary related to the topic. Avoid repeating the same words or phrases, as this can enhance the overall quality and readability of your essay.
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