IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people feel that the media should not openly share the private lives of celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #media #lives #celebrities
It is sometimes argued that
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
 life of
celebrities
 should not be openly shown
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
. I do believe that the
media
 should refrain from openly reporting on
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
lives
 of
celebrities
.
To begin
 with,
celebrities
, like any other individuals, have
Correct article usage
the rights
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to have their own privacy. Despite their status and fame, they have their own personal space to live, so
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
media
 should not cross them. Constant intrusion by the
media
 into their private
lives
 may lead
stress
Fix the infinitive
to stress
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, anxiety and even emotional harm.
Celebrities
 should be able to keep balance in everything without fear of
media
.
Moreover
,
celebrities
 who are trying to avoid
media
 can damage their mental and emotional well-being.
Besides
, sensation about them can harm both
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
 public and
celebrities
, because excessive focus on aspects of
celebrities
’
lives
 distracts from more important problems that the world is facing today.
In addition
, a lot of information about
celebrities
’
lives
 of beauty, wealth and
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
show examples
 may hurt
feelings
Correct article usage
the feelings
show examples
 of ordinary people who are comparing them with
celebrities
.
As a result
,
such
 people may have low self-esteem and self-doubt. In some
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
 publication of
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
lives
 of
celebrities
 may lead to suicide because for some famous individuals
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private information can be so valuable that they cannot accept that fact.
For example
, in Korean actor committed suicide because he was ashamed and could not look at
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
 of his family. In conclusion,
while
media
 is doing its job to inform people about news, it should respect the private
lives
 of individuals to prevent stressful
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both public and
celebrities
’
lives
.
Submitted by lodele.0203 on

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task achievement
Focus on developing your body paragraphs with more detailed examples and analysis to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to connecting your ideas smoothly between paragraphs. Using a variety of linking words and phrases can help improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that every example and point you include is clearly linked back to your main argument. This will reinforce the relevance and impact of your examples.
coherence cohesion
Consider including a wider range of vocabulary related to the topic. Avoid repeating the same words or phrases, as this can enhance the overall quality and readability of your essay.

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