IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older, more traditional values, such as respect for the local community, in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A tendency for individuals to behave greedily and selfishly has become a foundation of today's
world
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. Some
people
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 argue that we should return to more traditional values, resulting in a better
society
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 to live in. I partly agree with the opinion that restoring traditional values is necessary for a sustainable
society
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 in the future. On the one hand, some
people
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 believe that modern
society
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 is fueled by individuals' greed, primarily influenced by capitalism, which has driven a number of achievements.
For example
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, the invention of cars was spurred by the demand for more efficient trades, ultimately making
people
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 more affluent. The pursuit of wealth has led to financial success, which has funded
further
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 innovation.
Thus
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, the
world
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 has progressed significantly
due to
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this
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 cycle of aspiration and innovation.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 hyper-capitalized
society
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 has
also
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 resulted in vast global disparities, with the rich becoming richer
while
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 the poor remain disadvantaged. If all capitalists continue to pursue only their own interests without redistributing wealth or supporting local communities,
society
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 risks falling into corruption.
Furthermore
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, excessive reliance on greed and selfishness often leads
people
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 to neglect environmental responsibilities, contributing to global issues
such
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 as climate change. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that greed has given birth to a number of essential inventions in today's
world
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, it is equally important to shift our focus from merely pursuing personal gain to ensuring the sustainability of our
world
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.
Therefore
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, I partly agree that
people
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 need to embrace some traditional values in order to preserve our
society
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 for the future.

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task achievement
To improve your score, ensure your ideas are more fully developed. While you have addressed both sides of the argument, expanding on each point with more detailed evidence or examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using cohesive devices. This makes the essay flow more logically and keeps the reader engaged.
introduction
You have effectively introduced the topic and stated your stance clearly. Your introduction sets a clear direction for the essay.
logical structure
Your essay is well-organized, with a logical structure that makes it easy to follow your argument.
supported main points
You have provided a balanced discussion by acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of greed and selfishness in modern society.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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