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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. (20 mins.)

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. (20 mins.)
#two #show #sales #sectors #canada #summarise #information #features #comparisons #mins
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The pie charts illustrate the
percentage
 sales of four
differents
Correct your spelling
different
show examples
retail's
Change noun form
retail
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 in Canada between 2005 and 2010. As we can
seen
Change the verb form
see
show examples
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food and beverage had the highest
percentage
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 retail sales in 2010,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronics and
appliance
Fix the agreement mistake
appliances
show examples
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the first chosen by
Canadian
Fix the agreement mistake
Canadians
show examples
 in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
2005.
According to
 the data,
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the year 2005, the food and beverage proportion was 22%. It was just below the home furnishings sale
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was 25%.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the less favourite chosen was video games
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the
percentage
 was only 18%.
In contrast
, the food sales incredibly rose by 2010 and it
becoming
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 the most
populer
Correct your spelling
popular
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
show examples
 in the society of Canada.
On the other hand
, in the time of 2010, the home furnishing sector was the less
populer
Correct your spelling
popular
. The
percentage
 was just 15%,
while
 for the video games's proportion rose by 5%.
Whereas
, the electronics's sale
was decrease
Change the verb form
was decreased
show examples
 by 5%. All in all, the proportion of types of
ritel
Correct your spelling
ritual
 sector's
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 had changed over the time
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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