IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food.It is therefore necessary for governments to imposw a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

#countries #people #health #food #governments #imposw #tax
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 have accelerated who are suffering from various ailments like- high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity and so on because of their choice of
food
Use synonyms
.That’s why the government put a huge amount of
taxes
Use synonyms
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.But,I personally disagree
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the higher tax system as it creates many
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
people
Use synonyms
. Perhaps the most compelling reason is why
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 tax on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 is not
solution
Add an article
a solution
the solution
show examples
 because it is the source of meals for low earning
people
Use synonyms
.As the unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
 are very cheap.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 fresh
food
Use synonyms
 like fruits, oats,nuts,dates and so on are highly price
able
Correct word choice
expensive
show examples
 than fast
food
Use synonyms
 like pizza,cake,bread, jam and so on.
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 the fast
foods
Use synonyms
 are easily available in our
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
school going
Add a hyphen
school-going
show examples
 children and the
labour
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
 can consume more calories
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a cheap rate. But the higher taxing may lead them weak structure.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
 companies are rapidly distributed all over the country. So,it became the source of working-place and many
people
Use synonyms
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
show examples
 on them as their livelihood. If the
taxes
Use synonyms
 are raised,the selling of products will be reduced.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, the companies will not run
Linking Words
furthermore
Rephrase
further
show examples
. So,the government should support them financially to process these
foods
Use synonyms
 in
Change the article
a healty
show examples
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 way.
However
Linking Words
, higher
taxes
Use synonyms
 on unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
items
Use synonyms
 help the medical sector. As high prices of the
food
Use synonyms
 item can not be afforded by students and in all time snack purpose. So,
people
Use synonyms
 will
less
Add a missing verb
be less
show examples
 affected by serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
. On the opposition view,more sick
people
Use synonyms
take pressurized
Verb problem
are pressured
show examples
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the medical
sactor
Correct your spelling
system
.
Thus
Linking Words
,the authorities need to recruit more doctors and provide more hospital facilities. So,
people
Use synonyms
 should consume these
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
 in a limited range. In conclusion, diseases are spread too much in all ages because of their
food
Use synonyms
 habit.But, higher
taxes
Use synonyms
 cause various problems for the undeveloped countries. So,
instead
Linking Words
 of imposing higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
, the government should reduce money on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fresh
items
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should consume these healthy
items
Use synonyms
 within their income.
Submitted by Aafuankazinatoshi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure your paragraphs flow logically from one to the next. Use transitional phrases to link ideas between paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively presents and summarizes your argument. The introduction should explicitly state your opinion in response to the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with detailed reasons and examples. This helps to make your argument more convincing and your writing more engaging.
Task Achievement
Make sure your essay fully addresses the prompt and clearly states your position. Discuss your viewpoint throughout the essay rather than introducing new ideas without development.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas thoroughly to provide a clear and comprehensive response to the prompt. Use specific examples to illustrate your points, which helps in making your argument more convincing.
Task Achievement
Incorporate specific, relevant examples to support your argument. These examples make your writing more persuasive and show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • disincentivize
  • dietary choices
  • public health initiatives
  • regressive tax
  • personal responsibility
  • governmental intervention
  • healthier options
  • direct regulation
  • portion sizes
  • effectiveness
  • subsidies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: