IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Frequently, it's noted that nowadays people opt to stay indoors rather than venturing outdoors. Give reasons to this. Is it good or bad?

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It is often reported that individuals nowadays prefer to spend their valuable
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
 rather than being outside. The main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is the effect of
highly
Correct article usage
the highly
show examples
 developed internet and social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to sit on social platforms during the whole day. I will explicitly explain whether it is a good or bad idea in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there might be some advantages of being at
home
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,
such
Linking Words
 as they would not be part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drug-related or any other crime. To put it more
simple
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simply
show examples
, often teenagers who are not under anyone's supervision, and when they go to study
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large city, they are always fascinated with university parties, city life, and nightlife entertainments, which leads to illegal acts. So that's why, I think, teenagers and kids should spend their
time
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 at the residence reading books and focusing on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, staying aloof might
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
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apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 and lead to be uninvolved with society.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, sticking to the
home
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 always and sitting on the internet would affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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 mental health.
For instance
Linking Words
, if he is sedentary,
moreover
Linking Words
 without communication, he might feel
boring
Replace the word
bored
show examples
 and lacking
interested
Replace the word
interest
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
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 should consistently go outside, spend
time
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 with friends,
in
Linking Words
addition
Add the comma(s)
addition,
show examples
 enjoy lots of entertainment. Because, it is every
time
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 good idea to go outside, and after all pleasure
time
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, it is more likely the second breath of life, In conclusion, human beings should choose whether they want to settle at
home
Use synonyms
 or keep company with peers outside, in my opinion, it should be always balanced with each other.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure throughout your essay by connecting ideas smoothly and transitioning effectively between paragraphs. Consider using more linking words and phrases to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your essay with a clear thesis statement that outlines your perspective on the topic, ensuring a cohesive structure that leads to your conclusion. Clearly restate your main points and your stance in the conclusion for stronger impact.
task achievement
Develop your main points more fully with detailed examples and explanations. While you've provided reasons and a light example, expanding on these with more depth and detail will significantly improve your essay.
task achievement
Strive for a balance in discussing both sides of the argument before presenting your conclusion. You've mostly done this, but ensuring each viewpoint is equally explored will make your final position more persuasive.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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