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Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Nowadays,
children
got
Verb problem
are
show examples
stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
 to finish about their academic
subjects
. Some people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that, it should be remove some unimportant
subjects
 from their syllabus.
As a result
,
children
 can concentrate and pay more attention
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 academic
subjects
 without taking extra
stress
. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 statement
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
two reasons. In the next paragraph, I will discuss
in
Correct pronoun usage
this in
show examples
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
 for my agreement. First of all, childhood life is very short if
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 with a whole life, and they should
study
 for the extra
subject
 that
they
Add a verb
they are
they were
show examples
 willing to do.
For instance
, As a child who
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 passionate about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
if he
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 forced to
study
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cookery
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 school,
this
is giving
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 him extra
stress
 and the same
time
that is
 wasting of his
time
.
Therefore
,
children
 should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
study
 only the academic
subjects
 by
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 syllabus. On the other points, these days,
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 level is higher and most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
subjects
 are very difficult. Even though life surviving
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
such
 as cooker and physical education are important,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they can learn these things when they grow up.But the academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 have
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 to
study
depend
Wrong verb form
depending
show examples
 on their age
brain
Correct word choice
and brain
show examples
 level.
That is
 why,
children
 should focus on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
subjects
 and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should not take extra
stress
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
non-academic
Add an article
the non-academic
a non-academic
show examples
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
. To be concluded,
youngster
Add an article
the youngster
a youngster
show examples
 should pay priority
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their academic
study
 and they should not
be spend
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 their
time
 on the things that can
study
 when they grow up.
And their
Correct word choice
Their
show examples
 age and brain level
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 very important to catch the right
subject
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
time
.
Submitted by mr.shinephonemyat on

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Introduction Improvement
Your introduction briefly outlines your position; however, it could be made more effective by directly addressing the prompt and providing a clearer statement of your stance. Consider starting with a general statement on the issue before precisely stating your position and giving a hint about the reasons for your stance.
Cohesion Enhancement
Use a range of cohesive devices to better link your ideas. While some sentences are connected, the overall essay could benefit from more varied expressions (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'In contrast,' 'Similarly') to guide the reader more smoothly from one idea to the next.
Paragraph Development
Develop your paragraphs fully. Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence, explanation, example, and a concluding sentence. Expanding on your reasons with more detailed examples and explanations will strengthen your argument.
Use of Examples
Provide specific, concrete examples to support your arguments. While you mentioned general scenarios, including personal experiences or observed cases could make your points more compelling and relatable.
Grammar and Sentence Structure
Check your essay for grammatical errors and aim for variety in sentence structure. Misplaced commas, incorrect verb tenses, and sentence fragments can distract from your message. Practicing complex sentence constructions could also enhance the flow of your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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