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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#live #performance #play #concert #event #television
There are controversial perspectives heating a debate over the manner people watch
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 event.
While
 some claim that appearing in a
live
 performance is more pleasurable, the opposite makes a statement that watching through a TV screen is more joyful.
While
 each has its own perks, I would contend that it is ideal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, a
live
 event can make considerable memorable experiences. And the basis of
this
 is that we can get
along with
 other fans.
For instance
, my father took me to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 football match namely
AFF
Correct article usage
the AFF
show examples
 Cup in 2018 which attracted thousands of fans. At the stadium, I met a lot of people who
share
Wrong verb form
shared
show examples
 the same interest
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 me.
Finally
, the Vietnamese team won the gold medal despite harsh conditions with pouring rain and slippery pitch.
Subsequently
, waves of people
bursted
Correct your spelling
burst
show examples
 into with pride.
This
 experience not only made me blow off some steam but
also
 provoked my patriotism.
Hence
, a
live
 performance brings a special feeling and makes my experience more alive and memorable.
While
 the redeeming features of participating in a
live
 show are widely acknowledged, it is unfair if those
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
viewers watching via screen are ignored.
This
 might be because
live
 show tickets are always sold
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 criminally expensive prices. In stark contrast, watching the same performance on television is not only convenient but
also
 free.
For example
,
Blackpink
Correct article usage
the Blackpink
show examples
 concert in Japan in 2020 was shown
live
 on television so
Blackpink-lovers
Correct your spelling
Blackpink lovers
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 immerse themselves in the melodies at home.
Thus
, watching
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
TV saves
our
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
 money and brings numerous different feelings. In conclusion, both mentioned factors
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 unique experiences.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon with examples or further explanation. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Using a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, nevertheless) and clear topic sentences for each paragraph can enhance the flow and clarity of your essay.
task achievement
To fully address the task, ensure you directly answer the essay question in your introduction and conclusion, making your personal stance clear.
task achievement
Incorporate a more varied and precise vocabulary to convey your ideas more effectively. Avoid repetition of words and phrases.
task achievement
Integrate more specific, real-world examples to support your arguments. These examples should be detailed and directly related to your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive experience
  • replicated
  • energy
  • atmosphere
  • sense of community
  • shared excitement
  • unforgettable
  • predictable
  • convenience
  • comfort
  • crowds
  • travel
  • multiple camera angles
  • close-ups
  • replays
  • enhancing
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