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Band 5.5

Study shows that criminals have low levels of education. For this reason, some people believe that the best way to reduce crime is to educate people in prison so that they can get a job when they leave prison. Do you agree or disagree?

#study #criminals #levels #education #reason #people #crime #prison #job
Rising crime rates have now been increasing out of control. In order to control and help
criminals
 better,
criminals
 are given
education
while
 in prison. In my opinion, I side with
this
 perspective because of its benefits. The first explanation for my agreement is that
education
 gives
criminals
 many opportunities.
Criminals
 are vulnerable to many temptations
such
 as drug trafficking, violent action or murder people which result from the lack of proper
education
. By
this
, I mean the government can insert moral or law lessons to teach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals
 to distinguish right from wrong, raising their awareness.
Secondly
,
while
 being in jail, inmates have plenty of time to waste.
For instance
, there are some people who allocate that time to use unacceptable substances. So, at that time, teaching offenders about some
skills
 which can prepare them for their future jobs when they get out of prison, like some
hand-on
Correct your spelling
hands-on
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skills
,
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
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skills
 or communication
skills
.
Therefore
,
this
 directly contributes to the act that immensely decreases the number of petty crimes, becomes a better version of themselves and
not
Add a missing verb
does not
show examples
 go back to the wrong way.
Finally
,
although
 the cost
to provide
Change preposition
of providing
show examples
education
 for
criminals
 is huge, we need to see the long-lasting of
this
 investment. To illustrate, gaining proper
education
 can enable them to become potential workers in the future.
This
 can contribute to the fact that educating them to have lower recidivism, decreases
burden
Correct article usage
the burden
show examples
 for social order.
As well as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 solution is a contribution to the economy of the country. In conclusion, educating
criminals
 can gain many advantages ranging from leading them to the right way to becoming beneficial people to the country. I strongly believe it is the best way to decrease crime rates
,
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apply
show examples
 and lower recidivism.
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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task achievement
Expand your introduction with a stronger thesis statement that clearly outlines your position and the main arguments you will discuss.
task achievement
Provide more detailed, real-world examples to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing and specific.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay flows well from one idea to the next by using a variety of linking words and phrases effectively. This will enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
In the conclusion, succinctly summarize your main points before restating your thesis. This will provide a stronger closure to your essay.
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