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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#places #age #cultures #youth
Generally, old age will
given
Change the verb form
give
be given
show examples
 a traditional culture and develop
life
Add an article
a life
the life
show examples
 of ancient culture and young
people
 will develop
society
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology
life
 with a
lot
 of new modern
life
.
This
 essay will discuss that young age should connect to a
lot
 of cultures with the modern lifestyle and develop the
society
 with many fields.
To begin
, it can be seen that
society
 will more develop if continuing with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
life
.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 young
people
 can have a
lot
 of ideas to create many modern facilities
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
usefully and it
also
 improves the quality of
people
's living. For distance, a
lot
 of
technology
 systems are created to serve the living of
people
 and provide intellectuals for the
people
.
Although
 the strong development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
life
,
technology
 can have a big impact on the
abusement
Replace the word
abuse
show examples
 and unawareness of
people
 with a
lot
 of
technology
 facilities.
On the other hand
, older
people
 can contribute to the
people
's living
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some ways
such
 as
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
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 the beauty of cultures with a
lot
 of ancient
traditionals
Correct your spelling
traditions
.
Besides
 that, older
people
 will be the strong generations to
continued
Change the form of the verb
continue
show examples
 to the next generations.
However
, if
society
 develops
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 method, the development of
people
 in many fields will reduce a
lot
 and it
also
 develops by the way that old hat.
For example
, a
lot
 of dangerous customs will appear to affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the quality of
people
's living. In conclusion,
society
 can develop
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 two ways
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
youth and old age.
People
 should contribute to the development of
society
 individually because it will develop equally.
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Task Achievement
First, ensure that your introduction clearly addresses the question and presents a brief overview of both views. This sets a clear framework for your essay.
Task Achievement
Second, develop your main body paragraphs by discussing each view separately. Provide clear topic sentences and follow them with explanations, examples, or evidence. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
Third, improve coherence by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively. This will help your essay flow better and make your arguments clearer to the reader.
Task Achievement
Fourth, revise your conclusion to restate your personal viewpoint more clearly and summarize the key points discussed. Ensure your opinion is comprehensive and reflects the complexities of the topic.
Task Achievement
Lastly, incorporate specific examples to support your arguments. Real-world examples, research findings, or hypothetic scenarios can provide convincing evidence for your perspectives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
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