IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is true that,
professionals
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such
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 as
doctors
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, nurses and teachers plays a key role in
society
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 and some people think that their salary should be increased
instead
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 of paying for sports and entertainments. Personally, I completely agree with
this
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 view because
doctors
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 and
mentors
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 spend more
time
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 and
effort
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 to achieve
this
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 degree.
To begin
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 with,
doctors
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 and teachers are essential for
society
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 to provide good health-care services and education. Medical
professionals
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 and nurses usually spend their most of the
time
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 to take care of the patient rather than their own personal life.
Mentors
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 often busy all the
time
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 with their students in order to teach something useful for
society
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.
For instance
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, the national research demonstrates that, teachers and
doctors
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 frequently spend their weekends or holidays with work. Another major reason for paying high amount of money for
mentors
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 and
doctors
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 is that, becoming
professionals
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 in these fields require more
effort
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 and discipline than athletes or entertainment stars. That’s to say,
doctors
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 and nurses usually involved in physical activities in surgery operations.
As a result
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, they become more stressful and drained very quickly.
Besides
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,
mentors
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 often required to pass the difficult exams for mastering the job that it has a detrimental impact on their mental-health.
For example
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, recent survey shows that, people who work in hospitals or in schools, they tend to be spend more
effort
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 than other work fields. In conclusion,
professionals
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 who has a job in hospitals and schools are important for our
society
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 and paid high rate of salary rather than income of sport athletes and entertainment celebrities, as they spend their most of
time
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 and hard-working
effort
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.

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task response
Answer the question more fully. You clearly agree, but you should also say why some people pay sports stars more, then show why you still disagree with that idea.
task response
Make your main ideas clearer. Some points are repeated, like time and effort. Try to give one clear reason in each body paragraph.
task response
Use more specific examples. Your examples are very general. Add one real and clear example for doctors, teachers, or sports people.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph links. The essay has a clear start, middle, and end, but some sentences do not flow well from one to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, also, for example, and in conclusion. Do not add commas in the wrong place after them.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main point. This will help your ideas feel more ordered and easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it the same through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Both body paragraphs try to support your main opinion with reasons.
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