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Band 4

Shopping should be perceived as a form of self-indulgence rather than about buying things that are necessary. Do you agree or disagree?

#form #self-indulgence
With
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
 of people’s well-being
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 standards we had in the past are
broke
Wrong verb form
broken
show examples
 down,
replaced
Correct word choice
and replaced
show examples
 with something unusual. The statement “In some countries today, people are having their first
child
 when they are older”
proofs
Replace the word
proves
show examples
 enough
this
 tendency. Let’s reveal
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages of
this
 decision. Starting with pluses we can notice the fact older people have everything to
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
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 a
child
,
high age
Add a hyphen
high-age
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 people already stay confidently on their ground and have background experience to solve problems
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 appear on that hard field. A marriage between adults
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 time-tested and
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 have fewer risks
to be
Change preposition
of being
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 abandoned.
On the other hand
, we have young parents, full of energy and well comprehension between generations, in case of the
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
 age spread. The fast world changing can make
experience
Add an article
the experience
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 of
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
generation’s
Change noun form
generation
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 become
outdating
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outdated
show examples
, that much easier to accompany a
child
 in his present step, having
pass
Wrong verb form
passed
show examples
 it just in time.
However
, as statistic says, young men have no
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 in
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 future and it leads to divorces and
child’s
Fix the agreement mistake
children’s
show examples
 mental trauma
as a result
. I think the trend of having a
child
 late is more positive
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 than negative. Bringing a human
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the world is
the much
Rephrase
a
show examples
 responsible decision in humankind’s life and it should
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
be carefully accept
Change the verb form
be carefully accepted
show examples
. it is better to think a hundred times, prepare and provide for your life before providing for the life of a
child
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 than to have him at a young age and realize that you cannot meet all the needs of a
child
.
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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response. However, to improve Task Achievement, ensure your response directly addresses the given prompt more precisely. For this topic, focusing on the aspect of shopping and self-indulgence versus necessity could make your argument more relevant.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay could be improved by organizing your ideas more logically. Introduce your main points in the introduction, develop each point in its own paragraph within the body, and summarize your stance clearly in the conclusion. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, use a wider range of linking words and cohesive devices to connect ideas between and within paragraphs. This will make your essay easier to follow and understand.
Task Achievement
To improve clarity and task achievement, ensure that your essay includes specific examples that are directly relevant to the topic. This will help you demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject and strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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