IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #area #adults #development
Migrating to other places is an ongoing trend for grown-ups. Adults are moving away from their birthplace to big cities for various reasons in order to boost their careers and in my opinion, benefits are more when compared to drawbacks. Nowadays, many youngsters are moving out to new places mainly for education purposes and to get better job opportunities which help in achieve highly advanced careers. In some cases, after finishing school, many are now applying to different variety of advanced universities like Harvard, MIT and more.
For example
, in my own experience, I moved to Canada some years ago to seek a better education and
thereafter
 to land a better job opportunity which I was not able to do back home.
Although
 there are some setbacks to
this
 step I do miss my family often. I think taking
this
 decision and moving to Canada made my life better in many ways.
However
, there are still some people who argue more about the grey side of
this
 process.
According to
 them, leaving their hometown makes them worry about their parents and various other reasons. They believe, it is not always required to move abroad or to other developed cities because there is always something to do in their own town or city, where they can do something and still take care of family same time.
For instance
, After the recent virus outbreak, many working employees went back home as many big cities were in lockdown.
This
 made a lot of people think about what they could do by staying in their hometown and more.
To conclude
, even though there are some notable setbacks in
this
 step, I feel that the negatives are way lesser than the positives of
this
 trend.
Submitted by manikumarchowdary111 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using transitional phrases or sentences. This will help to enhance the logical flow of your essay further.
Task Achievement
Although the essay addresses the task requirements, try to expand more on potential disadvantages to create a more balanced discussion.
Task Achievement
To make the ideas clearer, avoid using ambiguous expressions like 'and more.' Instead, specify exactly what you mean to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each point is backed up with specific examples or arguments, which can add more weight to your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
Task Achievement
Specific examples, such as personal experiences and references to universities, illustrate the benefits of relocating for education and career opportunities.
Task Achievement
The main idea is clearly communicated, and the argument flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • metropolitan
  • migration
  • globalization
  • socio-economic factors
  • traditional norms
  • cosmopolitan environment
  • brain drain
  • assimilation
  • gentrification
  • alienation
  • multiculturalism
  • infrastructure strain
What to do next:
Look at other essays: