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Band 4

Parents are encouraging their children to spend an increasing amount of time on tablets and screens because they think it will improve their technological skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #children #amount #time #tablets #screens #skills #development
Due to
Correct article usage
the advanacement
show examples
advanacement
Correct your spelling
advancement
advancements
 of
technology
 ,
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
, guardians are
supportings
Correct your spelling
supporting
 adolescents to spend more time on
technology
included
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
 tablets and screens because they believe that
this
 will improve their technological skills . I think that
Correct article usage
the advanatges
show examples
advanatges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of
this
 development
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not outweigh the disadvantages , I will explain my reasons with examples in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with ,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 devices can
led
Verb problem
have
show examples
 to bad impact on their health .
For instance
 , parents
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 tablets to
children
 to watch something and kids keep on watching for long hours and
this
 activity of kids affecting their
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
show examples
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early age . If
this
will continue
Wrong verb form
continues
show examples
 for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 period ,
children
 will soon
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 spectacles and sometimes ,
children
 hesitate to
participitate
Correct your spelling
participate
 in certain
sport activity
Fix the agreement mistake
sports activities
show examples
like swimming
as well as
 feel shy to communicate with other
children
 because of their change in physical appearance.
In addition
, prolong engaging with
technology
also
 increases
Correct article usage
a sedantary
show examples
sedantary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle .
For example
,
children
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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 for
walk
Fix the agreement mistake
walks
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 outside and
also
 take less interest in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical activities
due to
addition
Correct article usage
the addition
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 screens in which they can play video games or
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
use other apps .
Therefore
 ,
this
technology
increasing
Wrong verb form
increases
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
laziness in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 and
fostering
Wrong verb form
fosters
show examples
 obesity . In conclusion, with respect to the whole view mentioned above , there should be limited time
availaible
Correct your spelling
available
 to
children
for spending
Change preposition
to spend
show examples
 time on
technology
 to reduce bad
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 on them .
Submitted by kmlchahal97 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the question, elaborating on how the advantages and disadvantages compare. The direct comparison is missing, which is essential for a complete response.
task achievement
To improve clarity and comprehensiveness, work on your grammar and spelling. Mistakes such as 'advanacement' instead of 'advancement' can make the essay harder to understand. Use tools or manual checks to reduce errors.
task achievement
Include more varied and specific examples to support your points. While you provided scenarios, they could be detailed further for stronger evidence of your position.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clearer transitions between paragraphs. Using phrases like 'To begin with,' 'In addition,' or 'In conclusion,' helps, but ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next for better reader comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Review and correct structural and grammatical errors to enhance readability. Errors in verb conjugations, prepositions, and article use can disrupt the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clear, concise supporting sentences that directly relate back to the central argument. Aim for a balance between explaining disadvantages and how they compare to the potential advantages.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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