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Band 4

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth
In some areas elderly
people
 are valued,
otherwise
, young
people
 are more important in other countries.
However
, I think youth is going to be crucial in future. On the one hand, old
people
 are suitable for a few specific jobs which
are required
Wrong verb form
require
show examples
 knowledge and experience.
Due to
 the failure in the past, pensioners are able to prevent and cope with problems.
For instance
, a king or a principal of a country usually has a person to ask for
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
advice about how to reign the
people
. In some cases, their experiences are priceless and help the heads a lot.
On the other hand
,
besides
 the change
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the world, we need young
people
 who are potential, enthusiastic and can catch the trends. Changing day by day, only youth can fit in with that. The new generation is getting ready for the world’s development and they are flexible enough to deal with new problems that are created by the change. Boys and girls are the world’s future and much more important in
this
 technology era. From my perspective, youngsters are more crucial than the old ones. Not only for their abilities, their skills are respectable. Youth can learn everything fast and work for long hours because they are able to concentrate and stay under pressure.
To conclude
, old
people
 are valued, but in today’s digital era, teens
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 needed.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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Introduction Improvement
Introduce your essay with a brief explanation of both viewpoints before stating your own opinion to provide a clearer foundation for your discussion.
Use of Examples
Offer more precise examples that support your arguments. Vague references, such as 'a king or a principal of a country,' lack the specificity needed to strengthen your points.
Coherence
Work on the coherence of your essay by improving transitions between paragraphs. Employing phrases like 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore,' and 'In conclusion' will help, but strive for smoother connections that flow more naturally.
Language Variety and Accuracy
Avoid repetitions and improve sentence variety by using synonyms and different sentence structures. Repetitive use of terms like 'youth,' 'old people,' and 'important' can be mitigated with synonyms and varied expressions.
Balanced Discussion
Address both views and your own opinion evenly. Your essay seemed to focus more on the youth's importance, which could make the discussion unbalanced. Ensure that both perspectives are adequately explored.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
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