IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some places, old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth
There are some places where old age is more valuable,
while
 in others, young
people
 are more valued. In my opinion, both ages play an important role.
First,
many senior
people
 need to be respected by others because some of them
participated
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
 in historical events.
For example
, many grandparents are veterans. They bravely overcame the Great Patriotic War and made a significant contribution to our existence.
Furthermore
, they have rich experience and many of them impart knowledge to the youth.
Therefore
, the elderly contribute to our society.
Furthermore
, many elderly
people
 have many moral principles
due to
 their upbringing. Nowadays individuals lack kindness, honesty, loyalty and politeness because of new standards.
On the other hand
, it is important to respect children and adolescents. Children always have a rich imagination with many brilliant ideas. Compared to adults, children are brave and believe in magic and miracles. They do not doubt that they have enough strength to achieve their goals and dreams.
Besides
, today's youth are very versatile, which means they are always trying new things.
This
 quality really makes them an interesting person.
For example
, some teenagers try to create new projects that facilitate the development of technology. Many teenagers
also
 engage in volunteer work, doing their best to support those in need. In short, I firmly believe that
people
 of all ages matter because they make many significant contributions to our world.

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Task Response
Expand your introduction by offering a bit more background or context on the importance of valuing different ages in society. This can help set the stage for your discussion.
Task Response
When discussing contrasting views, try to provide more direct comparisons or contrasts between the value of old age and youth. This will enrich your argument and present a more balanced view.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are smooth and logical. Using phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'conversely' can help, but try adding more varied transitions to enhance flow.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your examples are detailed and directly support the points you're making. For instance, specific examples of veterans' contributions or concrete outcomes of teenagers' projects could strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
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