IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say industrial growth is necessary to solve poverty, while some believe it should be stopped due to environmental problem it creates. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Industrialisation
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 is proven to be critical in addressing socio-economic
problem
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problems
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however
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, the environmental impact of it has sparked a debate with some arguing that it should be fully stopped
while
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 others argued that it is necessary in order to continue alleviating
poverty
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.
While
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 there are merits to both sides of the argument, I firmly believe that the benefits of
industrialisation
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 outweigh the costs. First and foremost,
industrialisation
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 is shown to be the most effective tool for resolving
poverty
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 problems.
For example
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, a newly built factory in sub-urban Jakarta managed to absorb 1 million workers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 were previously unemployed.
While
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 some argue that
poverty
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 is better handled with social security policies,
such
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 interventions are not sustainable and do not have the capacity to enrich all poor
population
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populations
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.
For example
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, the cash transfer program in Indonesia, accounting for 40% of the total government budget, can only help 5% of people living under the
poverty
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 threshold
whereas
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 building factories can employ significantly more poor households.
However
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, some believe that the benefits of
poverty
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 reduction can not be fully justified
due to
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 the environmental destruction caused by industrial policy.
For instance
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, the massive adoption of industrial policy in the 1900s is responsible for global warming and climate change.
Nonetheless
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, nowadays, industrial policy is often
coupled with
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 environmental
consideration
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considerations
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 to remove all
the
Change the word
its
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 negative ecological effects
of
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apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. To illustrate, it is now compulsory for a coal factory to use
higher quality
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higher-quality
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 air filters to remove all the excess
pollutions
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pollution
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 that it emits.
To conclude
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, nature can be endangered
due to
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 the act of
industrialisation
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.
However
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, the positive sides of
industrialisation
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 eclipse the disadvantages, causing a net positive effect
to
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Lastly
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, the negative effects can
also
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 be reduced with certain measurements.

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Task Response
Make sure your introduction directly addresses the question, clearly stating both views and your own stance. While your introduction touches on the key points, a more precise preview of the arguments to come can improve clarity.
Task Response
When developing paragraphs, ensure each one has a clear main idea supported by detailed examples or evidence. While your essay contains relevant examples, further detail or additional examples could strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For maximum coherence, use a variety of transition words and phrases to link your ideas both within and between paragraphs. While your essay demonstrates good usage, diversifying your transitional phrases can enhance readability.
Coherence and Cohesion
Every main point you introduce should be followed by adequate explanation and evidence. It seems you've covered this well, but remember that deepening your analysis with more nuanced insights can add value to your argument.
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