IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that old people should not be forced by law to retire at a certain age if they wish to continue working. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In modern society, there have been growing concerns about seeking another job after
retirement
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 and the age of
retirement
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 seems younger. Some
people
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 may have claimed that the government should allow old employees to
work
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 younger, even after a certain age, if they want.
However
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, personally, I disagree with
this
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 suggestion because I am concerned about depriving the younger generation of opportunities and a
company
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’s profits.
Firstly
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, old
people
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 should be encouraged to step out of the
company
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 because they might cause a loss to the
company
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. I understand that old
workers
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 desire to maintain their professional careers and it seems profitable for both companies and individuals to some degree, but I believe old
people
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 cannot keep up with the trend of
work
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 in the long run since they are extremely geared to use past experiences.
In other words
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, it is hard for old
workers
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 to figure out recent knowledge efficiently and they are not familiar with using technological devices without young employees.
This
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 situation might be able to delay the
company
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’s project, which will eventually bring a loss to the
company
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.
Moreover
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, there are several reasons to stop working with old
people
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. If they are able to
work
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 longer, they may deprive job opportunities of young
people
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. In Korea,
for instance
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, jobseekers have complained that it is difficult to get a job as the
company
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 has maintained the number of old
workers
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,
and
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apply
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thereby limiting the number of entire employees. I
also
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 feel frustrated with
this
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 issue because the younger generation can lose self-confidence.
In addition
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,
people
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 can take care of their health and enjoy life after
retirement
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. What
this
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 explains is that working busy for a long time,
due to
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 the heavy workloads, they may have been stressed a lot. For these reasons, I think
retirement
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 seems an appropriate time to help
people
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 to look after themselves. In conclusion, encouraging
people
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 to
work
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 longer if they wish after a certain age seems to have numerous challenges to both society and companies. I firmly disagree with
this
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 statement because old
people
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 might be able to make companies struggle and take the younger generation’s future. We should pay attention to young
workers
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 rather than old
workers
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are skillfully crafted, clearly presenting your stance and summarizing your argument effectively. To further enhance clarity, consider refining transitions between ideas within paragraphs.
task achievement
While your essay presents a comprehensive response to the prompt, incorporating relevant examples would strengthen your argument. Consider integrating more specific instances or data to support your claims.
introduction conclusion present
You've effectively presented a clear, concise stance in your introduction and conclusion, which enhances the overall coherence of your essay.
logical structure
Your essay demonstrates a logical structure, with a smooth flow of ideas and effective paragraphing, which aids in understanding your arguments.
supported main points
The main points in your essay are well-supported by explanations, although incorporating more specific examples could provide stronger backing to your claims.
complete response
You have successfully addressed the prompt with a complete response, articulating your viewpoints clearly throughout the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are presented clearly and comprehensively, making your position known and understood.
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