IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should play outdoor games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #games
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, learning foreign
languages
Use synonyms
 is becoming trendy in academic sectors, and parents are frantically wanting their
children
Use synonyms
 to study certain
languages
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it is argued that some pupils have no talent for learning extra
languages
Use synonyms
 because of brain memory limitations or because they are lazy. And, if students are not offered to learn, institutions should not put pressure on them to do so. In my point of view, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
language
Use synonyms
 is the key to opening the world. To be with, In
this
Linking Words
 modernized society, the
English
Use synonyms
language
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role, and people who master a certain foreign
language
Use synonyms
 will be able to easily get jobs and
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in a reputable
university
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as Yelu or UCLA.
Thus
Linking Words
, for
children
Use synonyms
's flashiness,
future
Use synonyms
 guardians and schooling should force
children
Use synonyms
 to attend the lesson, which can secure their
future
Use synonyms
 academically and socially.
For example
Linking Words
, the majority of the highest-quality academic institutions are in the United States,
such
Linking Words
 as Harvard
University
Use synonyms
 and New York
University
Use synonyms
. If a student learns
English
Use synonyms
 as a child,
then
Linking Words
 they will be disappointed when their priorities change because of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 lack of
English
Use synonyms
 skills they could get rejected from their dream school.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
's guardians have a responsibility to plan for their child's
future
Use synonyms
 development and survive in the
cural
Correct your spelling
rural
 society. Because spoilage can lead them to a worse situation.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the majority of decent jobs are secretly concerned about their
English
Use synonyms
 skills and extra foreign
language
Use synonyms
 skills. Nowadays, businesses tend to be globalized, so if you can master certain
languages
Use synonyms
 or
English
Use synonyms
, you can have a job opportunity compared to people who have no foreign
language
Use synonyms
 ability.
Consequently
Linking Words
, some
adamic
Correct your spelling
academic
 institutions have to persuade their pupils and impose on them to learn about and develop proficiency in it. In conclusion, learning extra
languages
Use synonyms
 is nothing but a drawback, so to be successful in adult life, students have to study foreign
languages
Use synonyms
 as early as possible.
And school
Correct word choice
School
show examples
 and parents
also
Linking Words
 have to force
children
Use synonyms
 to learn
languages
Use synonyms
 in order to achieve their dream
university
Use synonyms
 and job in the
future
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by haixiuxiaonini on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure your essay stays focused on the topic provided. The provided essay discusses the importance of learning foreign languages, which does not directly address the prompt about children playing outdoor games. Read the prompt carefully to ensure your essay is relevant and directly answers the question asked.
coherence and cohesion
Improve logical structure by organizing your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a single main idea. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader and provide smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
To support your main points, try to include specific examples or evidence. While your essay mentions general benefits, incorporating concrete stories or statistics can make your arguments more compelling and understandable.
task achievement
For task achievement, expand your argument by addressing counterarguments or providing a more nuanced viewpoint. Acknowledging different perspectives can enrich your essay and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • critical thinking
  • hand-eye coordination
  • reflexes
  • teamwork
  • communication skills
  • multiplayer
  • cooperative games
  • addiction
  • prolonged screen time
  • inappropriate content
  • online predators
  • aggressive behavior
  • violent games
  • physical activities
  • face-to-face interactions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: