IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the cases?Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, we all are dependent on technology,
children
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 are not far away from devices. Few
children
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 are spending their quality
time
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 each day on mobile
phones
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. A few decades ago,it was an uncommon scenario, as there had been enough free space and a good relationship between
children
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 and their
parents
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss
this
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 statement from a negative viewpoint. Because
,
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apply
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it hampers
children
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's health both physical and mental and
also
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destruct
Verb problem
destroys
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 them from their bright futures. Perhaps the most compelling reason why
children
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 spend their
time
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 on mobile
phones
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because
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is because
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 most of their
parents
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 are job-oriented and
also
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 lack of playground. As their
parents
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 do have not enough
time
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 for their
children
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.
As a result
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, they become isolated and search for
company
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a company
the company
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. At that
time
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, Mobile
phones
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 became a source of passing leisure period. Yet, they are making new friends online, playing video games, watching movies and so on,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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 become addicted to these.Another point is that
,
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apply
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the rapid population is the reason for making a crowded country, leaving no free space.That's why,
children
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 become confined to their closed rooms.So,they search their relaxation on mobile
phones
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.
However
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,it has been proved that spending
time
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 on a smartphone is detrimental to
the
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apply
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children
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. Because it is destructive to their health and
also
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 their future.
Firstly
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, they have no contact with nature and no facilities for exercise. These may ruin their physical fitness.In the hospitals, it is observed that more
children
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 are suffering from obesity, diabetes, problems and so on.
Secondly
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, their mental health is in a risk zone.Their
brains
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brain
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 activity becomes reduced and they feel more exhausted and frustrated.
As a consequence
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, our new generation is not full of beans.
Finally
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, they suffer from monotony and have
a
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apply
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poor academic performance which is alarming not only for themselves but
also
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 for the whole nation. In conclusion,
this
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 essay states that using mobile
phones
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 is harmful to
children
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. Because in their growing period, they have no chance to improve themselves. It is happening because their
parents
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 are only busy at their workplace and the community is unable to provide them playground.
This
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 may lead them to unhealthy lifestyles
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additionally
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and additionally
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 unsuccessful lives.

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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure your essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. This helps improve the essay's logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Use topic sentences to start each paragraph, clearly stating the main idea of the paragraph. Follow this with supporting sentences that develop or explain the idea.
task achievement
Aim to cover the task prompt fully. That means discussing both aspects of the question (why children spend hours on their smartphones and if it's a positive or negative development) equally.
task achievement
Support your ideas with relevant examples. These examples need not be real or statistical but should be plausible and directly related to your point.
task achievement
Work on crafting concise and clear ideas. Try to avoid overly complex sentences or ideas unless you can fully explain and support them within the scope of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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