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Band 5

In some places old age is valued, while in other cultures young is considered more important. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures
In numerous regions, elderly
people
 are likely more beneficial,
while
 other cultures seem to value youngsters rather than the old. Whether the devotion of each period of age is clearly distinct, younger
people
 should be looked at
more
Change preposition
as more
show examples
 crucial
due to
 the higher educational levels and prospect of
self-improving
Correct your spelling
self-improvement
show examples
. It must be recognised that young
people
 can have increasing opportunities to improve requisite abilities.
Additionally
, the young have better health conditions both physical and mental which allows them to participate in jobs that require expertise and remain healthy.
For example
, many companies in the world are owning their excellent teams that include many young
people
 with high standards and high responsibility.
As a result
, working frequency is increased
also
 the required qualities of employees are continuing
better
Verb problem
to improve
show examples
, which
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
 those younger can dedicate faster and qualifier.
By contrast
, there are some arguments that the former generation can bring more benefit to their region because of the experience, knowledge and abilities are trained well. It can be said that carefulness is the characteristic that requires
people
 more expertise in the act and thinking,
while
 it hard to see
this
 ability in younger
people
. China could be the prime example, most of the skilled
people
 in China are old including Jack Ma, the wealthiest businessman in Asia.
As a result
, the experience they accumulate will make the assistance
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 creating more
devotions
Fix the agreement mistake
devotion
show examples
 in the future. From my perspective, the younger would bring the faster development of that nation rather than the older. In the modern era, later generations have better opportunities to enhance themselves and take higher education than older
people
.
As a result
, the younger would bring better devotion than older
people
. In conclusion, I believe that younger ages would bring better dedication to the nation than the old
due to
 the prospect of
self-improving
Correct your spelling
self-improvement
show examples
 and higher expertise.
Hence
,
this
 essay has illustrated the importance of the young generation in the development of the country.

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task response
Work on developing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction. This will help your reader understand your position and the direction of your essay from the beginning.
task response
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Remember that examples are powerful tools to illustrate your points and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between paragraphs and sentences. This includes using appropriate transitional words and phrases to guide your reader through your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Revise for sentence structure variety and accuracy. Diverse sentence structures can enhance the readability of your essay and help convey your ideas more effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal role
  • wealth of knowledge
  • preserve cultural traditions
  • innovation
  • adaptability
  • embrace change
  • technological advancements
  • balanced approach
  • fostering growth
  • continuation of cultural traditions
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