In some places old age is valued .While other cultures youth is considered more important .Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Many
people
in some places believe that the elderly are valuable, whereas
some people
who are living in other cultures think that young people
are more crucial.
On the one hand, old age could be very valuable. I think that because of their experience
. They live long enough to gain a lot of experience
and that is
the thing that makes them different from young people
, it also
makes them valuable. Thus
, old age people
can be the master in some fields and they should be respected by other people
, elder also
receive much priority. Take Japan as an example, where the old-aged people
rate is much higher than in other countries, they still develop based on their old employment, elders are professional and good at every job.
On the other hand
, the youth should be considered more important due to
their strength and time. They are the main employment in society, they are more likely to make the innovation or breakthrough. Although
they do not have much experience
, they still have time to learn and have a chance to do it. For instance
, in the digital era, young people
are likely to learn new things faster than old people
. I think that each one has different important qualities, we can decide which is more important,
because all of those are necessary to develop our society.
Remove the comma
apply
To conclude
, some places think that old people
are valued, while
other cultures think that youth is more important. Elders have experience
and young people
have time and strengthUnauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement, ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the task. In this case, while you discussed both views, providing more specific examples to support your arguments can enhance the completeness and depth of your response. Consider using real-world examples or statistics to back up your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To enhance it further, vary your connective devices beyond 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand.' Also, try to ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Language
Although not a separate criterion, pay attention to your grammar and vocabulary. Minor grammatical errors and repetitive language can impact the overall quality. Consider using a wider range of vocabulary and varying your sentence structures for a more sophisticated writing style.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?