In some places old age is valued .While other cultures youth is considered more important .Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Many
people
in some places believe that the elderly are valuable, Use synonyms
whereas
some Linking Words
people
who are living in other cultures think that young Use synonyms
people
are more crucial.
On the one hand, old age could be very valuable. I think that because of their Use synonyms
experience
. They live long enough to gain a lot of Use synonyms
experience
and Use synonyms
that is
the thing that makes them different from young Linking Words
people
, it Use synonyms
also
makes them valuable. Linking Words
Thus
, old age Linking Words
people
can be the master in some fields and they should be respected by other Use synonyms
people
, elder Use synonyms
also
receive much priority. Take Japan as an example, where the old-aged Linking Words
people
rate is much higher than in other countries, they still develop based on their old employment, elders are professional and good at every job.
Use synonyms
On the other hand
, the youth should be considered more important Linking Words
due to
their strength and time. They are the main employment in society, they are more likely to make the innovation or breakthrough. Linking Words
Although
they do not have much Linking Words
experience
, they still have time to learn and have a chance to do it. Use synonyms
For instance
, in the digital era, young Linking Words
people
are likely to learn new things faster than old Use synonyms
people
. I think that each one has different important qualities, we can decide which is more importantUse synonyms
,
because all of those are necessary to develop our society.
Remove the comma
apply
To conclude
, some places think that old Linking Words
people
are valued, Use synonyms
while
other cultures think that youth is more important. Elders have Linking Words
experience
and young Use synonyms
people
have time and strengthUse synonyms
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Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement, ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the task. In this case, while you discussed both views, providing more specific examples to support your arguments can enhance the completeness and depth of your response. Consider using real-world examples or statistics to back up your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To enhance it further, vary your connective devices beyond 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand.' Also, try to ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Language
Although not a separate criterion, pay attention to your grammar and vocabulary. Minor grammatical errors and repetitive language can impact the overall quality. Consider using a wider range of vocabulary and varying your sentence structures for a more sophisticated writing style.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?