IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the unemployment is high, therefore some people think children should study only primary education and not secondary education because they cannot find jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It has been long understood that a higher
education
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 leads to a better job.
However
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, in recent years
this
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 norm has been challenged as an increasingly high number of students graduating from secondary
education
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 have had a hard time finding
employment
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, leading to many
people
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 considering only providing their children with primary
education
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instead
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 of secondary
education
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. Primary
education
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 is helpful in laying a foundation of knowledge for children to build upon with more
education
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 and experience, but it does not make them ready to enter the
employment
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 market. Secondary
education
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,
on the other
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hand
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hand,
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 builds critical thinking and helps
people
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 to
speacilize
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specialize
specialise
 in one particular field, which leads to more job opportunities that pay higher as well
along with
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 the advancement of
scociety
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society
 as a whole.
Employment
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 Markets evolve with time and the demand for skilled labour increases over time. Secondary
education
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 can help bridge the gap between the demand in the labour market and the current job of a person,
provinding
Correct your spelling
providing
 them with a jumpstart as compared to
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 don't. The person who does not evolve with the market often gets left behind and is unemployable, increasing the unemployment levels. It is
imperetive
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imperative
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments and institutions provide
people
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 with pathways to improve their skills and get hired rather than blaming
education
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 for the situation. In conclusion, Secondary
education
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 does not guarantee
employment
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 but it does give
people
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 the tools to excel and be ready when
the
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apply
show examples
employment
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 opportunities do arise.

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Task Achievement
To enhance your essay, ensure that your introduction more succinctly outlines your stance on the topic, reflecting on both sides of the argument before presenting your thesis. This sets a clear roadmap for the reader.
Task Achievement
Enhance clarity by avoiding ambiguous phrases and making strong, direct statements about your position. For example, instead of saying 'It has been long understood,' say 'Many believe that...' to clearly present views.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your essay demonstrates logical structure, you could improve it by ensuring there are clear, separate paragraphs for each main idea. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
Integrate a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more seamlessly. This can include contrastive conjunctions (however, on the other hand) and causal connectors (because, therefore) to enrich your essay's flow.
Task Achievement
To strengthen your argument, incorporate more specific examples and real-life evidence. Mention studies, statistics, or country-specific scenarios that support your points. This makes your argument more persuasive and concrete.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • foundational knowledge
  • critical thinking
  • specialized skills
  • employment markets
  • skilled labor
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • perpetuate
  • cycles of poverty
  • education-to-employment pathways
  • personal development
  • societal progress
  • efficient education systems
  • economic policies
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