IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#women #childcare #men #focus #children #life #extents
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The heated debate over
that
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 females should focus less on career development has become increasingly controversial. Personally, I concur with
this
statament
Correct your spelling
statement
 to a limited extent.
This
 essay argues against the deprival career development of
women
, as in the aspect of work-life balance and parental responsibility. Many individuals emphasize the incapability of
women
 working in industries
due to
 the unwelcoming policies
by
Change preposition
of
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 companies.
Nonetheless
,
this
 is never the case for all. Business corporates nowadays, namely Walt Disney, adopt a
myraids
Correct your spelling
myriad
myriads
 of family-friendly policy implementations,
such
 as work-from-home or family holidays. As long as the industries reach a consensual agreement with mothers on the working hours and labour
divison
Correct your spelling
division
, there should be no legitimate reason for the deprival of career development.
Additonally
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Additionally
, looking from a childcare perspective, raising children should be a shared
responsbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 between
the
Remove the article
apply
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both parents but the sole dependence on
mothers
Correct article usage
the mothers
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. Research presented emotionally-funcitioning families are efforts
speardheaded
Correct your spelling
spearheaded
 by both mothers and fathers. To put an illustration, dads can watch television
programmaes
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programmes
 or assist
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 with their homework,
while
 the females run family errands, purchase groceries or cook a meal.
Nevertheless
, leaving a job of raising
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 solely to a mother may lead to
backfire
Correct article usage
a backfire
show examples
 effect thanks to a lack of assistance and invisible pressure. All in all,
while
 it may be true that
women
 are better carekeepers of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 children than men, I believe it is raising a child
consists
Correct pronoun usage
that consists
show examples
 of
responsbilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 from both parents.
Besides
, in the
21-st
Correct your spelling
21st
 century,
women
 could easily seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work-life balance with companies under 2-sides consent.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction to immediately make your stance known. This sets a strong foundation for the rest of the essay.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples with more specific detail. While the mention of companies like Walt Disney is good, offering more precise data or statistics could strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the clarity of your conclusion. It should succinctly summarize your arguments and clearly restate your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be attentive to spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors (e.g., 'myriads,' not 'myraids,' 'should be a shared responsibility,' not 'should be a shared responsbility'). These errors can affect the readability of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to better connect ideas and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall flow of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary caregivers
  • biological factors
  • maternal instincts
  • nurturing
  • workforce
  • career growth
  • income equality
  • family dynamics
  • shared responsibility
  • gender stereotypes
  • economic disparities
  • traditional roles
  • modern family
  • active roles in childcare
  • opportunity and support
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