IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the best way to broaden young people's understanding of the world is to encourage them to travel to other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What other measures do you think might be effective?

#people #world #travel #countries #measures
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It is generally claimed that to understand the
world
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 the best way is to
travel
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 to foreign countries.
As a result
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, young
people
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 can learn more when they
travel
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. I personally agree with the idea that young
people
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 should go overseas to learn the
world
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.
Furthermore
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, I
also
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 think there are other ways to understand the
world
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. There are a number of strong arguments to support the idea that young
people
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 can learn the
world
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 by travelling. Not only do they can look different and have amazing views, but
also
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 they can learn different cultures between their countries.
For instance
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, when Australian
people
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 read some books about The Forbidden City, they just know that the place where is in Beijing has a really long history.
Therefore
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, when they arrive there, not only do they feel these buildings are magnificent, but
also
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 they feel that history is right in front of them. It is different from textbooks.
Furthermore
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, they can
also
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 try to taste local traditional delicacies foods like Peaking duck. If you
use
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 physical books you just can look at the pictures, but you never know how delicious it is.
Consequently
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, travelling is a good way to learn about the
world
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.
In addition
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, there are some important reasons to agree with the idea that we can choose other ways to understand of
world
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. Over time, as our technology is improving, we can
use
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 the internet and Virtual Reality technology to
travel
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 the
world
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.
For example
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, if we go to other countries, we have to apply for visas and prepare luggage.
As a result
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, it is really complicated. If we just
use
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 the VR we can stay at home and look around the
world
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. Maybe
this
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 time we arrived in China to look at the Great Wall, and two hours later we went to France to look at the Eiffel Tower.
Therefore
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, we can
use
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 other ways to learn the
world
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. In conclusion, we can learn about the
world
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 when we
travel
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, and we can
use
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 new technologies to learn about the
world
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.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your essay has a clear structure including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of linking words to help your essay flow more naturally. While your essay already uses some, increasing the variety can improve its readability.
Task Achievement
Fully address the prompt by discussing the extent to which you agree or disagree throughout your essay. Ensure your stance is clear in the introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Support your main points with specific, detailed examples. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay more convincing.
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