IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no special knowledge of the following topic. Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence

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Recently, the number of illness-impacting offspring has skyrocketed. One good thing is that many companies in the world found
vaccines
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 for these
diseases
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.
However
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, there is a continuous debate about whether immunization should be made compulsory, or optional. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss my own experience on why vaccination should be made compulsory. In the modern world, scientists have found cures for a lot of common
diseases
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.
Diseases
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 like cholera and
polio
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 are often seen in
children
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. The newer generations should be vaccinated against these deadly
diseases
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. The authorities should conduct some interactive social camps, and live demonstrations of the effects of these
diseases
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, these measures can make people immunize their newborns.
For Instance
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, a few years back, In my village
children
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 were not vaccinated against
Polio
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 thinking that it was not necessary as there were no signs of
polio
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 in my village before, later that year 50
children
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 died because of
Polio
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. Later in the same year the municipality conducted meetings and educated the public. since
then
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, every newborn has been immunized against
Polio
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.
On the other hand
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, some populations think that these
vaccines
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 are not necessary, and their kids can do fine without any
vaccines
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. These communities say that there is no point in vaccinating if the neighbourhood is free from
such
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 kinds of
diseases
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.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 some recent outbreaks, these crowds believe that
this
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 kind of vaccine may negatively impact their child's health, and can cause organ damage, and bone deformations.
For example
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,
Last
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 month, In China
children
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 were vaccinated for Cholera,
due to
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 the lack of proper research about the new vaccine,
children
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 who were vaccinated with
this
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 had suffered serious side effects.
To conclude
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, Every parent should get their child vaccinated, whether they believe in immunization or not. At the same time, the law should do proper research before testing the new
vaccines
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 on people.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a balanced structure with a clear introduction, well-developed body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion. This structure is partially met, but further refinement could strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words, pronouns, conjunctions) appropriately to ensure the smooth flow of your essay. While some effort is evident, further use and variation could enhance readability.
task achievement
Directly address the essay prompt by providing a nuanced discussion of both sides of the argument before presenting your conclusion. Your essay somewhat achieves this, but a more explicit exploration of contrasting views could improve your score.
task achievement
Support your main points with relevant examples and evidence. You've used personal and generalized examples well, but including a wider range of evidence, such as researched statistics or expert opinions, could lend more credibility to your arguments.
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