IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that people should be required to retire from their careers at a certain age. Others believe that people should be allowed to work as long as they like. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.

#people #careers #age #work
In the modern era, there is a heated discussion about the
retirement
age
. It is believed by some people that
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
age
 should be optional for every person
while
 others disagree and think there should be a certain
age
 for all individuals. Actually, I endorse the latter standpoint because of
rejuvenating
Add an article
the rejuvenating
show examples
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
 and physical jobs that can be done just by youth and I'm going to
expalin
Correct your spelling
explain
 more about
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 the rest of
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, advocates of compulsory
retirement
 tout its many advantages.
For example
, in some nations like Iran, older people usually have
high status
Add a hyphen
high-status
show examples
 jobs
while
 younger members of society suffer from
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and financial problems.
Hence
 they can't get married, buy a new house and help the economy. Youth have up-to-date knowledge and a high degree of creativity that could contribute a lot to corporations
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not
fall
Wrong verb form
falling
show examples
 behind their rivals
in addition
 to having a large quantity of energy.
Additionally
, some careers like mine
working
Verb problem
apply
show examples
require
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 level of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 and take a lot of energy from workers.
Therefore
, rejuvenation can help both prior and new workers.
On the other hand
, some groups of the community believe in optional
retirement
. My grandfather,
for instance
, still works despite approaching 90 because he loves his job and makes him
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
feel
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
alive. Many other fellas still try to engage themselves just because they have got used to it and
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 hard for them to abandon what they have been doing for almost 30 years.
Besides
 that, in some nations like Hong Kong, because of terrible economy and financial
problems
Add a comma
problems,
show examples
 the society usually
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
show examples
 have
retirement
 and people work
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 they die to meet their families' obvious needs.
Accordingly
, giving up work
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
age
 can negatively affect these humans. To
counclude
Correct your spelling
conclude
, the controversy about whether
retirement
age
 should be obligatory or optional has become
inevitable
Add an article
an inevitable
show examples
 part of any discussion. Because of
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 that I mentioned, I think
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should determine a particular
age
 for fellas to retire and
then
 support them financially to both rejuvenate the workforce and make
olders
Correct your spelling
older
 happy.
Submitted by yasinkooshki13866 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure and Coherence
Ensure that your essay has a clear, logical structure. To improve your score, focus on creating a clear introductory paragraph that outlines your main points, followed by coherent paragraphs that support your argument systematically.
Language Use
Use a wide range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the readability and impact of your essay. Avoid repetition and strive for variety in your expression.
Supporting Evidence
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by specific examples or evidence. The more relevant and concrete your examples are, the stronger your argument will be.
Balanced Argument
Work on providing a balanced discussion that covers all aspects of the topic before clearly stating your own perspective in the conclusion. This will enhance your task response score.
Grammar and Accuracy
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Regularly reviewing and correcting your work can significantly improve these aspects of your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory retirement
  • rejuvenate
  • stagnation
  • innovation
  • physical labor
  • cognitive demands
  • discriminates
  • peak of productivity
  • creativity
  • leadership abilities
  • pension savings
  • financial insecurity
  • quality of life
What to do next:
Look at other essays: