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Band 4.5

People in many countries are spending less time with their families. What are the reasons and effect of this?

#people #countries #time #families #effect
In the developed and the developing
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 people are spending less
time
 with their families.
This
 is primarily owing to their jobs and the knock-on effects of
this
 are when
children
 of those
parents
 grow up they end up abandoning their own mother and father. In the modern
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 the
time
 spent in
office
Add an article
the office
show examples
 has considerably increased, as employed people want to earn more money they increase their workload or increase the hours spent at
Correct article usage
the worplace
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worplace
Correct your spelling
workplace
 either to be recognised or rewarded for their effort.
For instance
, In South Korea people from a young age are expected to work 60 hours a week at their school or their workplace to get good grades or to be employed, ergo spending very little of their leftover
time
 in a week with their families. The
children
 of
these workaholic parent
Change the determiner
this workaholic parent
these workaholic parents
show examples
 feel left out,
this
Correct word choice
and this
show examples
 has
direct
Add an article
a direct
show examples
 impact on their childhood as during these important formative years the
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 who are supposed to cater to these
children
 are busy working. When these
children
 grow up their
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 towards their
parents
 worsen and
turns
Correct subject-verb agreement
turn
show examples
 into animosity.
For example
, in
Republic
Correct article usage
the Republic
show examples
 of
Korea
Add a comma
Korea,
show examples
children
 have to go to cram school from a young age to participate in the
higly
Correct your spelling
highly
 competitive society and we often hear stories or news reports of the
children
 from these schools growing up and
completley
Correct your spelling
completely
 abandoning their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 on the wayside. In conclusion, in our fast-paced society living a comfortable life requires spending a lot of
time
 at the workplace
while
 side-lining your own family, which in turn causes
children
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
 of those
parents
 to have a feeling of animosity toward the
parents
.
Submitted by duttpavan on

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Introduction and conclusion improvement
Introduction and conclusion sections can be improved by clearly stating the topic and summarizing the key points more effectively. Try to structure these sections in a way that captures the reader's interest and succinctly provides a recap in the conclusion.
Linking ideas and paragraphs
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on linking ideas and paragraphs more seamlessly. Use a variety of transition words and sentences to ensure that your essay flows well from one idea to the next.
Expanding on reasons and effects
While your essay touches upon the task and provides relevant examples, you could improve by expanding upon these with more detailed explanations or additional examples. Aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the reasons and effects mentioned.
Developing main points with evidence
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point supported by specific examples or evidence. Aim to develop each point more deeply to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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