IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People in many countries are spending less time with their families. What are the reasons and effect of this?

#people #countries #time #families #effect
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In the developed and the developing
world
Add a comma
world,
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 people are spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with their families.
This
Linking Words
 is primarily owing to their jobs and the knock-on effects of
this
Linking Words
 are when
children
Use synonyms
 of those
parents
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 grow up they end up abandoning their own mother and father. In the modern
world
Add a comma
world,
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 the
time
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 spent in
office
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the office
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 has considerably increased, as employed people want to earn more money they increase their workload or increase the hours spent at
Correct article usage
the worplace
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worplace
Correct your spelling
workplace
 either to be recognised or rewarded for their effort.
For instance
Linking Words
, In South Korea people from a young age are expected to work 60 hours a week at their school or their workplace to get good grades or to be employed, ergo spending very little of their leftover
time
Use synonyms
 in a week with their families. The
children
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 of
these workaholic parent
Change the determiner
this workaholic parent
these workaholic parents
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 feel left out,
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
and this
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 has
direct
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a direct
show examples
 impact on their childhood as during these important formative years the
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
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 who are supposed to cater to these
children
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 are busy working. When these
children
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 grow up their
feeling
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feelings
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 towards their
parents
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 worsen and
turns
Correct subject-verb agreement
turn
show examples
 into animosity.
For example
Linking Words
, in
Republic
Correct article usage
the Republic
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 of
Korea
Add a comma
Korea,
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children
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 have to go to cram school from a young age to participate in the
higly
Correct your spelling
highly
 competitive society and we often hear stories or news reports of the
children
Use synonyms
 from these schools growing up and
completley
Correct your spelling
completely
 abandoning their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 on the wayside. In conclusion, in our fast-paced society living a comfortable life requires spending a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 at the workplace
while
Linking Words
 side-lining your own family, which in turn causes
Use synonyms
children
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
 of those
parents
Use synonyms
 to have a feeling of animosity toward the
parents
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by duttpavan on

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Introduction and conclusion improvement
Introduction and conclusion sections can be improved by clearly stating the topic and summarizing the key points more effectively. Try to structure these sections in a way that captures the reader's interest and succinctly provides a recap in the conclusion.
Linking ideas and paragraphs
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on linking ideas and paragraphs more seamlessly. Use a variety of transition words and sentences to ensure that your essay flows well from one idea to the next.
Expanding on reasons and effects
While your essay touches upon the task and provides relevant examples, you could improve by expanding upon these with more detailed explanations or additional examples. Aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the reasons and effects mentioned.
Developing main points with evidence
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point supported by specific examples or evidence. Aim to develop each point more deeply to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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