IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The illustrations show how chocolate is produced. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

#illustrations #show #chocolate #summarise #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The given diagram illustrates the process of making
chocolate
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the process commences with cacao trees moving through chemical and mechanical stages to make
chocolate
Use synonyms
 culminating with processing
beans
Use synonyms
 to produce liquid
chocolate
Use synonyms
. In the first stage, start with harvesting cacao trees, growing mostly in South America, Africa and Indonesia
then
Linking Words
 taking the ripe red pods for collecting white cocoa
beans
Use synonyms
 inside the endocarp. Once they have been collected, the
beans
Use synonyms
 are fermented over a period of time and surrounded by banana leaves.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 step, the
beans
Use synonyms
 are spread in the sun so that thanks to the sunlight even raking it many times in order to make it dry quickly before putting in the large sacks. After the dried
beans
Use synonyms
 are put in the sacks, they are transported and delivered to the factories by train or lorry for the next step. These are
subsequently
Linking Words
 put into a roasting machine at high temperature to prepare for being crushed with the removal of the outer shell. The whole process terminates with complete liquid
chocolate
Use synonyms
 after the inner part is pressed.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, describing the entire process of chocolate production from cacao beans to liquid chocolate. However, some sections lack clarity and could be made more concise.
coherence cohesion
To achieve greater clarity and cohesion, work on improving the transition between different stages. For example, instead of "After the dried beans are put in the sacks," you could say "Once the beans are dried and sacked," for a smoother flow.
coherence cohesion
Consider including an introductory sentence that briefly overviews the number of steps in the process. This can help provide a mental framework for the reader, aiding in understanding.
coherence cohesion
Some of the descriptions are a bit verbose and could be simplified. For instance, "thanks to the sunlight even raking it many times" could be shortened to "by raking them frequently under sunlight." Simplifying complex sentences enhances readability.
task achievement
Your essay correctly identifies the main stages in the process of chocolate production and covers them all.
coherence cohesion
You’ve made an effort to include specific details, such as the use of banana leaves during fermentation and the high roasting temperature, which enrich your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: